Log Entries: Chief Helmsman of Voyager
by jamelia116
Summary: Excerpts from the personal logs of Thomas Eugene Paris of Voyager, in which he describes critical events and his impressions of the crew of Voyager during their epic journey home, as edited by his daughter Admiral Miral Paris Riker (ret.). (New 2013)
1. Year One

**Chief Helmsman of Voyager's Personal Logs**

**_Exerpts from the Personal Logs of Thomas Paris in the Delta Quadrant_**

**by jamelia**

**Introduction by Admiral Miral Paris-Riker (ret.)**

Over the years, many people have begged my family to publish the personal logs recorded by my parents from 2371 to 2378, during _USS Voyager's_ epic journey through the Delta Quadrant. While my parents still lived, neither had any desire to prepare their logs for publication. My father always said his holonovels spoke well enough for him. My mother ridiculed the very idea anyone would want to bother to read her logs. "I'm an engineer," she always said, "not an author. I leave that sort of nonsense to your father."

After our parents' passing, my brothers John and Owen, and my sister Kathryn and I, met and discussed what we should do, as our parents bequeathed all of their papers to us jointly. By the terms of their wills, we had to reach a consensus or do nothing with them at all.

We were inclined to follow their lead for several reasons. One, it was simply easier. There was just so darn much material to wade through. None of us was willing to take on the job. Since many members of _Voyager's_ crew had published memoirs over the years, with our parents prominently featured in all of them, there seemed to be little need. Besides, even this long after _Voyager's_ return to the Alpha Quadrant, some of the material contained in the logs is classified. And finally, the huge elephant in the room: we were sure they would need extensive editing because their active sex lives were bound to be a prominent feature.

No child really wants to think about his or her parents' sex lives. We look around, we see how many children in the family, and we know our parents had sex at least that many times during their marriage. While we know it isn't likely to be the only times our parents indulged, we prefer not to contemplate how many other times, let alone learn any of the details.

With my parents, once we were old enough to know what sex was, that preference simply was not an option. I do not wish to convey the idea that my parents were ever inappropriate in front of their children. Far from it. However, they took such obvious joy in being together, we really couldn't miss the evidence. My mother was half-Klingon, and my father tried to encourage her to explore that side of herself - with him - as often as possible.

I remember when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I asked my father if I could come and play with them instead of going to my own bed, because it sounded like they were having a lot of fun. Kathryn was too little to play with (she was barely a year old at the time). He said no, I was too young for that sort of game. I asked him how old I would have to be before I could play games like they did. His answer: "Oh, about thirty."

When, like most children, my school friends clued me into the Big Mystery, I immediately understood what sorts of games my parents played at night (and sometimes at other times of the day, when they thought they were alone), marked by the thumps of heavy objects bouncing off of the walls; the sound of the dermal regenerator that my father used so frequently in the morning before shaving; my mother cleaning up a broken piece of pottery, humming cheerfully. (If one of us ever broke anything, she gave us a stern lecture to be more careful around fragile objects and then forced us to clean up the mess ourselves.)

When we finally read their logs, we found our expectation in regards to the probability of their sexual content was not ill-founded. My mother had the regrettable tendency to forget to stop recording before they began activities rather more personal than most personal logs contain. My father's logs included very frank self-appraisals of his own bad behavior habits, especially during the early days (and sometimes he forgot to end the recording when heavy objects started to get thrown, too).

So we came to a consensus. We agreed not to publish them.

And then that obnoxious book came out, purporting to be my father's logs. _"The _Voyager_ Logs of Thomas E. Paris" _is a total fabrication, not to mention character assassination of the worst order. My siblings and I forced ourselves to read through it in order to compare it with the genuine article. I can state unequivocally, and my brothers and sister will back me on this, that not one of those "logs" was dictated or written by my father. The style is inconsistent with the very individual "voice" he used when he dictated or wrote his logs. We have his true logs describing many of the same incidents, and they are totally different from what this counterfeit version alleges. The most scurrilous sections came word for word from the memoirs of crew mates, but all of them were taken from their recollections of my father during the first year or so of the journey. In later sections of their memoirs, after they got to know him, they repudiated these earlier perceptions as being inaccurate depictions of my father's character. None of these clarifications made it into "_The_ Voyager _Logs_" text.

My father himself admitted that much of the first year, and into the second, he acted very badly (my mother would always mutter "total pig" whenever the subject came up). He said he didn't like himself very much at the time. Because he felt tremendous guilt over the accident that took the lives of his friends at Caldik Prime, as well as shame about ducking responsibility right after it happened, in his own eyes he had been a total failure. He tried to cover up his feelings of inadequacy by acting like he didn't care. It took quite a while for the others on the ship to realize not only that he really did care a very great deal, but that he was prepared to sacrifice his life, if necessary, to save the lives of his crew mates. From some of the events, in fact, I believe it's a miracle he lived long enough to father any of us.

The worst accusations, however, had to do with the assertion he married my mother because he wanted a regular sexual partner; and since he had already dated everyone else on _Voyager_, she was the only one left. According to that book, he had to "make do" with her.

If my family ever discovers who wrote those logs, we will sue for libel. My father was as devoted to my mother as she was to him. During the memorial service for her, he confided to my husband and me that he was ready to go any time, because my mother told him she had no intention of going into Sto-Vo-Kor without him, so he'd better not be late. He died less than six weeks after she did. We are all convinced it was of a broken heart.

Because of the popularity of this bastardization of my father's life, however, my family finally determined it was worth the time to sift through the actual logs and publish what we could. It has taken me almost three years of full time work, since my own retirement from Starfleet, to edit this material.

I have been asked by many to publish my own memoirs. After this experience, my answer will always be, "Not a chance." Anyone wishing to read a biography of my life will have to nag my son Thomas or my daughter Kiara for one. I'm never going to do this again.

I must give convey all my love, thanks, and gratitude to my husband Thomas Riker for his patience, support, and fact checking. Since log entries often had to be made some time after a crisis had ended, the Stardates do not always accurately reflect of the timing of the events described. His willingness to do research to check on facts like this to enable us to correct what we could prior to the publication of this volume was invaluable. I also must thank my sister Kathryn Paris Reed and my brothers John and Owen Paris and their families for contributing their time, energy, and recollections so that these logs can be made available to you.

Especially, I thank my parents B'Elanna Torres and Thomas Eugene Paris for being the best, most loving parents ever.

We miss you all the time, Mom and Dad. With any luck, we'll see you both in Sto-Vo-Kor someday.

-Miral Paris Riker

San Francisco, Earth, November 8, 2458

* * *

**Year One:**

_Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48315.6 _

How's this for a kick. Thomas Eugene Paris, making a personal log entry on a Starfleet vessel. Ha! I'd better not get used to it. Captain Janeway's made it oh, so very clear that this is going to be a very short trip. A little vacation from my comfortable digs in New Zealand. She said if I helped find the Maquis vessel that had gone missing, I'd get a good recommendation at my next review. Right.

A protégée of my father's is certainly going to just love what Tommy Paris has to offer. Especially when it's exactly nothing.

I keep telling the Feds I don't know anything, and they don't believe me. The Maquis are long gone from Malagra, I know that. All the Maquis. I can't help them. But at least I'm free, for as long as it lasts. It may only be a few weeks before I'm back in Auckland, but I'll enjoy it as long as I can. With luck, at least I'll get laid.

On the shuttle ride to Deep Space Nine from the transport, I thought I had a shot with Lieutenant Stadi. I always thought that Betazoids didn't read your minds unless you said it was okay. One of the rules of being a good little telepath. I think she broke the rules there, for a moment. Or maybe I did come on a little too strong. Hell, she's the first woman I've had a crack at since . . . well, since I got stashed into prison.

Janeway really was pretty cordial to me, though, I have to admit. Not like Cavit and the doctor. Fitzgerald? Yeah, I think that's the doctor's name. I can do without those two, with their snide remarks. Harry - Harry Kim - asked me why they were freezing me out, and I told him I was tired of telling the story. I don't figure I need to bother. It's only a matter of time before they fill in the kid on my glorious career.

Not long at all.

Harry's a good kid, even if he is naive. That Ferengi was going to skin him for every credit he possessed! I actually enjoyed hanging out with him. Too bad it isn't going to last. It was almost like back on the _Exeter._ Before it all went so bad.

Anyway, we headed out of DS9 a few hours ago and we're headed for the Badlands to see if we can find my good old friend Chakotay and his lovely consort Seska. And whoever else is with him.

Chakotay, I could give a rat's ass about turning in. He always thought I was a damned spy anyway. Seska is undeniably one of the worst c . . . no, I'm not going to use that word any more, even in a personal log. I promised myself I wouldn't think that way again, not act like such a jerk any more. Let me just say that throwing that bitch Seska's ass in jail would be a pleasure. Almost worth going back to jail myself. But . . . .

Oh, God, please, let Laren not be with them anymore.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48317.2 _

Ran into Stadi today. She wouldn't even say "hello." Guess Cavit or Fitzgerald got to her. Too bad. Dark hair. Betazoid black eyes. Great bod. Smooth forehead . . . .

Don't go there, Tommy boy. Let's just say, hey, you can't have everything.

The captain called me into her ready room this evening. She showed me what this Tuvok had on the Maquis crew. It's the _Zola_ he was on. Definitely Chakotay's ship. No mention of Ro, thank God. Knowing how she notorious she is to Starfleet, I can't imagine Janeway's security chief not mentioning her if she were with them.

God, I hope she isn't dead. Or captured. I'm sure I would have heard about her capture, even in Auckland. She heard about me screwing up at Caldik Prime when she was in prison on Jaros II.

No, I won't believe it. She's fine. Ro Laren finally just came to her senses and went home, to Bajor, where she belongs. I hope. I hope her Prophets help her find peace.

Anyway, we talked a little about what I knew of the Badlands. I told Janeway I didn't know much. I was tempted to tell her that the biggest Maquis hideout was at Port Hakkarond on Delistor. Visiting that charming place might have been fun. Such wonderful memories! The lovely Garinta, charming flower of womanhood. Getting rolled in an alley. Getting beaten half to death. Laren and me, in that crummy room, with the sun shining on her body, that last morning . . . . No, all the memories from there weren't bad, were they?

I didn't tell Janeway that, finally, because for all I know, that's where they really are now. There were enough sympathizers in Port Hakkarond, I know that. And I really don't want to betray the Maquis, not really. Chakotay and Seska are one thing. The whole movement? That's another. It may not have been my fight, but they were fighting against injustice, against the Cardassians. I don't think they were wrong.

It's funny. I tell the truth, and they don't believe me. Maybe I should just tell them I am the Maquis. Or maybe that dear old Dad, most forgiving parent in the known universe and Starfleet admiral _par excellence,_ is the ringleader of the whole damn organization.

I wonder how Admiral Paris would like spending some up close and personal time in the same prison as his only son?

No, Mom doesn't deserve that. And the sad thing is, everybody would probably believe that lie!

I'll just go on, telling Janeway the truth.

I don't know a fucking thing about the Maquis.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48321.9 _

The Delta Quadrant. I'm in the fucking Delta Quadrant, over 70,000 light years away from home. The chances of me getting back to New Zealand in my lifetime are almost nil. Especially since all the Maquis are ready to kill me for "betraying" them, my lifetime isn't going to be all that long anyway.

Isn't life grand.

Actually, I guess I should be happy to be alive. A lot of people aren't. I can't say I'm broken up about the loss of Cavit and Fitzgerald. But poor Stadi. She had actually smiled at me when she walked down to take the conn. It's really too bad. Maybe there could have been something there. She was a pilot, too. Stuck out here, maybe, eventually, I would have been able to break through with her. There was something about her. Maybe we could have had a future together.

I'm deluding myself. I don't have much of a future, do I? I'm going to be spending the rest of my life waiting for somebody to stab me in the back.

I'm glad we got Harry Kim back from those Ocampa, though. He's a great kid. Not very smart, hanging around with me. When one of the Maquis on board finally gets me, they're liable to take Harry out, too.

I'm not sure it was a smart thing to do, saving Chakotay's life like that. He still hates me, even if the captain claims he's my "protector" now. But I just couldn't leave him down there to die. He might have been glad to leave me down there. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a loss if I was the one who'd been stuck down there. We needed him to get away from those Kazon thugs, when he crashed into the array. Or the Kazon ship, come to think of it, I think that's what he did. It'll be easy for Janeway to make the Maquis and the _Voyager_ crew into one with his help. His people respect him. And like I said, it's some kind of Indian thing. He owes me now because I saved his life.

Yeah, like he really cares.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48323.7_

I can't believe I'm actually able to dictate that. Chief Helmsman. Lieutenant (j.g.) Thomas Eugene Paris. Only a field commission, but am I going to worry about that now? I've got at least 73 years to enjoy that commission, assuming I don't do anything to screw up again. And I'm not going to screw up anything again. I don't ever want to do anything to disgrace myself with Janeway. She actually believes in me.

I still can't believe Chakotay's put out the word that anyone who does anything to me has to answer to him. He's going to be pretty damn busy, I bet, trying to keep me from being attacked by anyone. His crew is just itching to get at me, but they'll have to wait their turn. The Starfleet crew figures they've got dibs on getting me, because they all seem to have gotten the low down from Cavit and Fitzgerald about my dubious Starfleet achievement at Caldik Prime. There isn't anybody here that likes me, except Harry. And maybe that sweet little Ocampa thing, Kes.

I'd love to get something going with Kes, but that odd little alien boyfriend of hers, Neelix, gave me the evil eye when I said "hello" after I got my commission back. I don't know what there is about him, but I have this really strong hunch that I'd better not mess around with his girlfriend. He seems like the kind who can take care of himself. I have to respect anyone who can keep a piece of junk like his ship flying, too. Talaxian, he is. Just one of the many new alien species we can expect out here in the Delta Quadrant. If the Alpha Quadrant is any gauge, I figure we'll run into a couple of friendly species for every unfriendly.

Wait, the Borg are from the Delta Quadrant. The scales might be tipped there, just a tad.

Borg, Kazon, Talaxian, Ocampa. I don't much care, as long as I am far, far away from dear old Dad. Things can't be any worse out here than they were at home. I'm back in Starfleet again, but I don't have to put up with The Admiral's expectations. Maybe I've lucked out by being thrown into Paradise.

Now, if I can just find somebody to sleep with. We've got 161 people on this ship, but only half of them are women. I'd better hurry and find someone soon. People are going to be pairing off. I'll have to see who I can find who's reasonably good looking and easy to get along with, because I'm not about to count on finding a woman on shore leave. I don't think there're too many women like Kes, who are willing to hook up with somebody who's headed to the other side of the galaxy. It's going to have to be somebody on this ship. Not a whole lot to choose from.

It would be great to find somebody who could be my best friend, not that I can expect that. I'll never find anybody like Ro Laren again. That kind of love comes along once in a lifetime, if you're lucky.

That little Klingon engineer, though. Torres. I wonder, is she the one Ro kept teasing me about? The one she said she had to keep me away from, because she knew I'd like her forehead ridges? She really is a beauty, but she's a tough broad. She saw me giving her the once over in the mess hall and told me that if I tried anything with her, she'd cut off my balls and throw them into another quadrant. I laughed, but the thing is, she made me nervous as hell. I wouldn't put it past her. She could be a very good time. Wild sex. That's the rep for Klingon women, not that I've ever had one. They're usually not my type. Monogamous types aren't my type.

Paris, quit dreaming. She's a Klingon, for God's sake. She'd never in a million years have anything to do with a dishonorable jerk like you. Besides, she seems to like Harry. If he can ever stop moaning about his Libby, Torres will be right there. She likes him, I can tell. Hope Harry is smart enough to know what he's got there.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48441.7_

That Torres is some hot number. Man, she flattened Carey with one punch. Broke his nose. Then Janeway made her Chief Engineer.

I wish I'd have thought of that. Hey, Dad, let me punch you in the mouth so I can get promoted to admiral.

Nah. It's a Klingon thing, I think.

I can't believe I'm getting shoved into field medic duty, though. Supervised by a smart computer program, yet. Life in the Delta Quadrant. A new surprise every day.

I think I'm going to have to do some holodeck programming for my entertainment, because the only ones who'll talk to me, other than Harry, are holodeck characters. Computer program bosses. Computer programmed friends. Hey, things are looking up for me. As long as the computers are working.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate _

I finally found out about Ro today. I asked Seska, who of course cut me dead and refused to tell me. Torres took pity on me, though. She told me that Ro went back to Bajor, after paying off my bar tab at the tavern in Malagra. I can't remember the name of the place now. Ro was "kind of upset" about my "screwing up" and "getting myself caught." While that's not exactly what happened, it's okay. As long as she got back okay, that's all I care about. I know I have to let go. I'm never going to see her again.

There are some very attractive women on this ship, though. Ensign Brooks is a knockout, but she's another Harry - engaged to somebody in the Alpha Quadrant and wouldn't even think of dating anyone. Torres is great looking, but she's half Klingon. I'm lucky she even talks to me. Nicoletti is attractive, but she's aloof. That leaves the Delaney sisters. They're probably the most beautiful girls on the ship, as long as you like long-legged redheads with dazzling smiles. Unfortunately, they come as a matched set. Double-dates only. There's a few guys who seem to think that means wild orgies. Not hardly. The double dating thing is a great way to keep guys at arm's length.

It's a good thing that Jenny's made it known she's attracted to Harry. Really attracted to him. Megan seems like she'd be more my type, the fun-loving type. She's not prejudiced against me, either. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Did I really say that about somebody I want to date? God, I disgust myself sometimes. But with only 77 women on this boat, I can't be too picky.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48547.8_

We had a very interesting adventure yesterday. We found this nebula that was loaded with omicron particles, and the captain was just itching to get some. Our energy situation has been going from bad to worse lately, and our replicator rations have been cut to very little. Just about the only thing we have enough power to do is go to the holodeck, because that's powered by a separate energy supply. Not that I'd like to give up any holodeck time just to get a cup of coffee, but the captain certainly might. When she saw that nebula, her eyes lit up and she ordered us to go inside. Didn't look like a coffee shop to me, but that's what the captain saw.

Too bad it was really a living entity. We ended up having to waste one of our photon torpedoes to blow enough of a hole in the creature to get out. Then we had to go back inside to heal the wound up. We almost got caught again, but we managed to slip out before the wound totally healed up. Neelix came up with another planet that might help us with our energy reserves, so hopefully all goes well.

One other thing happened. I had shown Harry my Paris 3 Holodeck Program, "Chez Sandrine," my recreation of Sandrine's bar in Marseille. It's not exactly the same, but I put a lot of work into it over the past few weeks so it will be a fun place for me to go. I'm making it a public program. The rest of the crew (except for Harry, of course) still doesn't like me much, but they're welcome to go have some fun there, too.

Of course, I had Ricky there. Ricky, the fully functional holographic woman. I always put her in my programs. Then there's the pool table. And what's a pool table without a pool shark? So Gaunt Gary is in there, too. I might not have needed to add him, though. The captain came into the bar. I thought we'd be able to fleece her of her replicator credits, but the joke was on us. She's a shark herself. Won every game she played.

And I couldn't resist a little fun when I programmed the bar. Since I had Ricky and Sandrine for the guys and girls who are so inclined, I had to do something for the fair sex of our crew, so I stuck in a gigolo. Torres was not amused. She called him a pig - and said I was one, too, for inventing him.

What can I say? I guess I do have my piggy moments. Had to admit, I was a bit hurt when she said that. Hurt, but a little bit thrilled, too. A strong negative reaction is better than no reaction at all, right?

It could have been worse. She could have punched me and broken my nose, like she did with Carey.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48599.1_

Well, I'm back.

This personal log was potentially one of the shortest ever in the annals of personal logs, because I almost spent the rest of my life on Banea, reliving the death of a murder victim every 14 hours. That's their punishment for murder. According to our EMH, eventually it would have been a death penalty for me. I'd have gone insane or suffered irreversible brain damage if it had gone on much longer. Thanks to Commander Tuvok, who did that Vulcan mind-meld thing with me, we were able to prove I _wasn't_ the murderer, from what was in the memory itself. The murderer was shorter than me, for one thing. The _piece de resistance_, though, was Tuvok's very special witness. It's not often that a little dog who can testify in court, but that's what happened when he identified the Banean doctor who was the real culprit and a traitor. They were transferring stolen state secrets about weaponry to the Numiri, who are at war with the Baneans. The data was buried within the memory. I owe Tuvok big time, and I told him so.

Harry asked me if I wanted to go to Sandrines tonight to celebrate. I wasn't in the mood. Instead, I sat around in my quarters by myself, thinking. Yeah, I do reflect upon things every now and then. Probably not often enough. Maybe that needs to change. I really need to do it more often, because I know what got me into trouble. I can't seem to stop myself from doing the _cherchez la femme_ thing. I'm always flirting with pretty women. Not that that's a bad thing in and of itself, but when they're _married_ women, you're asking for trouble. Not only that, but Lidell Ren was one of those late 1940's to 1950's _film noir_ bad girls, like Barbara Stanwyck in "Double Indemnity," with me playing the Fred MacMurray chump role. Her husband was older, but he was a good guy. I shouldn't have ever let myself get near enough to her for her to play me the way she did.

Dad always said my gonads were going to get me into trouble, and the way I almost hooked up with Lidell Ren, they were certainly dragging me into the biggest trouble of all. I didn't sleep with her. I don't even know if we did anything, really, except for flirting with each other. I'm still not sure which memories were really mine and which ones were planted by that murderous Banean doctor, the one who was really Lidell's secret lover. What a set-up. The guy who was in charge of my punishment was the traitor working with the Numiri. How do I get myself into these situations? By letting my gonads do the talking, that's how.

I'm out here, and I've got a chance for a new start, and I almost blew it big time. I'm still thinking of myself as that failure and loser who screwed up his career by not being honest when he needed to be, after Caldik Prime. I sacrificed myself for Chakotay and his Maquis crew, and they still don't see it. Maybe that's what I deserve, because I acted pretty badly around them, until Laren set me straight. And then I lost her, too. I'm not sorry about what I did to save her and the others, but I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I lost her. I landed in prison. It happened. I have to accept it. If I keep setting myself up like this for failure, I'm going to continue to be just that.

I can't say I'm going to swear off women forever, but I've got to be a bit pickier. I need to develop a taste for women who are worth going after.

Too bad the selection is so limited on this boat. Megan is a great girl. I'm not sure she's one I'd want to spend my life with, but I might not have any other choice.

Now, if Kes ever decided to break up with Neelix, she might be a possibility. She's beautiful, sweet, and surprisingly spunky. Life with her would be short, though. The Ocampa life span is only something like eight or nine years. So short a season.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48664.2_

Seska is a Cardassian. I never liked the bitch, but I have to admit, I never saw that coming. She had her DNA altered so she would look Bajoran. The Doc figured it out, finally. She tried to say she had a blood transfusion when she was a kid, and that's why she didn't have any Bajoran blood factors.

I wish I could tell Laren about her. She always said Seska was a snake. Bingo, Ro! Right on the money. I guess we know who the spy for the Cardassians on Malagra was.

She's gone, of course. The traitor defected to the Kazon, of all people. Good riddance.

I feel sorry for the Maquis who trusted her, like Torres and Hogan. I have to admit, though, that I do feel for Chakotay. I mean, he not only trusted her, she used to be his lover. He slept with her! Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48792.9_

I am totally bummed. Pete Durst is dead. B'Elanna Torres is a basket case. And we left that helpful little Talaxian whose name I never did learn stuck in that Vidiian hellhole. I feel like shit for not saving him, too.

I'm glad Chakotay came to save B'Elanna and me - well, the human half of B'Elanna, anyway. The Klingon half got turned to toast by that mad Vidiian doctor. It was so strange to see B'Elanna like that: the human half, who was terrified half the time and felt like she was a coward, and the Klingon warrior woman who was so strong but ready to smash anyone's nose to smithereens at a puzzled look. Harry told me that "Maquis," as he calls her (nobody else dares to, certainly not _moi_), alternately is scornful and mortified of her Klingon side. She seems to think everyone would hate her if it comes out. To me, what little I got to see was wildly exciting. But when B'Elanna was turned into a pure human, and was so upset, I got a chance to find out why she felt that way.

Where they lived on Kessik IV, she and her mother were the only Klingons. She said no one ever was really nasty to them, but when her human father abandoned them, B'Elanna was convinced it was because she looked Klingon.

Now, this doesn't make sense to me. The man married a Klingon. Why would he be disgusted by a daughter who looked like his wife? Okay, so they split up. These things happen between two people who are human, even the most beautiful humans, sometimes. There's more to a marriage than looks. I don't know how my mom would have ever hooked up with my dad if it only had to do with appearance. Mom is gorgeous. Dad is barely okay in the looks department.

I have to admit, B'Elanna was so freaked out by being turned into something she isn't - even if it was what she always thought she wanted - that she probably wasn't thinking straight. Later on, she got control of her emotions and helped Chakotay get us out of there. Her Klingon half literally died in B'Elanna's arms. I confess, I wanted to comfort her right there, and then in Sickbay afterwards, when the Doc checked both of us over. Chakotay took over, though, and pretty much shooed me out the door. B'Elanna has to stay in Sickbay while the Doc reintegrates her Klingon DNA into her human body. She apparently needs it for digestion or something.

I went back later to visit her. We talked a little. She asked me not to tell anyone what we'd talked about in the Vidiian prison. I promised her I'd keep her secrets - like tying a scarf over her forehead to hide her Klingon ridges - as long as she didn't tell anyone about my father scalping me with military haircuts when I was a kid. She actually laughed a little when I said that. I think she's going to be okay.

I'm sitting here now dictating my log, and I'm trying to decide which B'Elanna face I prefer. To tell the truth, I think she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever met no matter which face she's wearing. I think I prefer her real, combination human/Klingon face the best, but the B'Elanna who was all human was a babe, too.

I've been visiting this holodeck program for a while now. It's got a World War II setting, based on a text novel I found in our databanks. One of the characters is a pregnant Frenchwoman who gets knocked up by a Nazi officer. She wasn't really a collaborator. Brigitte was working for the Resistance, so when this Nazi she was spying on came on to her, she was stuck; she had to become his lover or blow her cover. I think one of the terms they used in that war was "comfort women," actually. That was probably closer to the truth. Comfort for the Nazi, and humiliation for poor Brigitte. Still, Brigitte was very brave. I never thought the face they supplied for Brigitte was quite right, but I couldn't ever find the right one to substitute for her from the ones available in the holodeck libraries.

I think I can get hold of some views of the human B'Elanna face from the ship's visual log and use them for the character, because that's the perfect face for Brigitte. Of course, once she's back to herself, B'Elanna will probably break my nose if she sees herself in that program. I'll have to remember to make sure she never visits it!

_Personal Log Addendum_

Well, I did it. I've got the Brigitte face reprogrammed. She's beautiful. I think the real B'Elanna is beautiful, too, of course, but once the Doc has all her Klingon DNA infused back into her body, I'll get to see B'Elanna's real face any day. The only way I'll ever see the totally human face again is on the Holodeck.

For all the bad memories I've got from this Vidiian nightmare (leaving the Talaxian behind - numero uno), the good ones came from those hours we spent comforting each other, when we shared stories about when we were kids. I learned more about B'Elanna Torres on those couple of nights than I have about just about anyone on this ship, with the exception of Harry. It's not too much to say I'll treasure them forever, because I wasn't Tom Paris the Pig to her then. I was her friend and her protector.

Whenever I visit this Sainte Claire program and see Brigitte's face, I'll remember those nights with B'Elanna in the mines. How close we felt, for a little while, at least. It's not likely we'll ever feel that close again. She prefers to hang around with her "Starfleet," Harry Kim. Too bad Harry is still so hung up on his fiancée Libby that he hasn't figured out B'Elanna could be his for the taking. He'd be lucky to have her. Unfortunately, B'Elanna still sees me as a pig.

But I'm still bummed we didn't save the Talaxian.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48977.1_

It's not every day you see a 1936 Ford pickup floating in space. To see one in the Delta Quadrant is ridiculous. But there it was. We beamed it into our cargo bay and the captain let me crawl around inside it. I was in heaven! We discovered the old AM radio in the truck was picking up an ancient SOS - that's a very old form of distress call, for the benefit of anyone who I might give access to these logs in the future - coming from a nearby planet. We headed there, but we couldn't use the transporters or even a shuttle because of interference from the atmosphere. So, the captain let me land _Voyager_ on the planet! First time for everything!

On the same day, I get to investigate a genuine ancient ground car and then get to land _Voyager_ on the ground. And then, who do we find frozen in a cryostasis unit? Amelia Earhart! I got to meet _THE_ Amelia Earhart, the famous "aviatrix," as they called her back then, in person!

I remember reading all the theories about how Amelia and her navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937, when she was trying to become the first woman to fly around the world. Most people thought she'd crashed into the ocean and was killed, or maybe she was taken captive by the Japanese. Nope. A UFO snatched them and brought them out here to the planet of the Briori. Unbelievable. Fred was there in stasis, too, and so was a Japanese soldier named Nogami and a few others. Needless to say, they were shocked when they found out where and when they were!

How often do you get to speak to someone about what life was like 400 years ago - and they actually know, because they were living then? I was excited, but the captain almost wet her . . . wait. These may be my personal logs, but even here I shouldn't be THAT crude. Let's just say she was more excited than any of us to meet Amelia. She had been one of Janeway's heroes and a big inspiration for her growing up.

Man, the only thing better would be to travel back through time to the 20th century myself! Too bad that will never happen.

Oh, yeah, these Briori were willing for us to settle on their planet. The captain was worried we wouldn't have enough crew willing to go on for us to fly _Voyager_. I did think about staying, because who knows what I'll face if and when I ever get back to Earth? But I couldn't let the captain down, and I wasn't the only one. None of us opted to stay there. We all stayed with the ship. I think Amelia was a little tempted to come with us, too, but she finally decided to stay on the planet. It's too bad. I bet as one pilot to another, we could have had some great discussions if she'd come with us.

_End Personal Log_


	2. Year Two

**YEAR TWO:**

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49072.5_

Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris and Neelix the Talaxian proudly announce the birth of a newborn - or is it newly-hatched? - baby repto-humanoid. We're the godfathers, I think. If repto-humanoids have godfathers. Actually, the little guy was kind of cute, in a dinosaurian sort of way. And it was sweet when he was picked up by his mom and she hugged him. At least, I think it was his mom - I got a female sort of vibe from her - anyway, his mom came for him, and he was breathing better, so I guess he'll be okay.

I described the mission Janeway sent us on to the haunted house of a planet in my official logs in full, so I won't go into any more detail again here. Suffice it to say, the captain sent Neelix and I down to the planet to send us a message. Neelix saw me being what he considered a little too friendly with Kes and dumped a plate of hair pasta all over me in the mess hall. I understood. Captain Janeway wanted to tell us she wouldn't tolerate any more altercations like that over Kes. It's a big, bad Delta Quadrant out there. We all have to work together if we're going to survive.

So, of course, instead of a nice, routine mission, where the two of us get to clear the air in relative comfort on the shuttle, we have trouble and have to make an emergency landing. While we were scratching away down there in that toxic soup of an atmosphere, we did kind of "clear the air" - about Kes, at least.

I had to admit that I am attracted to her. I mean, she's one of the loveliest women on the ship, not to mention just about the nicest. But I assured Neelix I wouldn't stab him in the back by trying to cut in on her. Kes has made it clear that Neelix is the one she loves. I've got a crush on her, yeah. But I don't have a chance in Hell of her ever wanting to be involved with me. I know it. I made sure Neelix does, too.

Everyone on this ship thinks I have no morals at all, and that's my own fault. From the first day that I got on _Voyager_, I went out of my way to pretend nothing bothered me. I've set up all of these betting pools, and some of them are pretty tasteless. I've acted like a letch so that when a woman shot me down, I could pretend it didn't hurt. Of course it hurts. I told Harry once that we had to line ourselves up with girlfriends before all the good ones were taken. When I think about that now, I realize how callous that sounded.

Even Sandrines . . . I set that up for me to have a place to go where I could have some companionship, because I can always hang out with Ricky. Holodeck characters don't care if you've been in prison or killed your best friends. At least I know one "woman" on this ship who'll give me the time of day.

I hope Neelix realizes just how lucky he is to have Kes.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49089.2_

Saw Dad today. Sort of. He berated me for my shortcomings, just like old times. I broke out into cold sweats. It seemed so real. When I finally did come to, I couldn't believe it wasn't, for quite a while.

Some alien dude came on board and was sending us to Hallucination Nebula Nine. The entire crew came under its spell, me included. Almost the entire crew. Fortunately, the Doc and Kes weren't affected (well, maybe Kes was a little, but she could throw it off). And what could the alien do to the Doc? His body is made of photons and his brain is the ship's computer. They broke us free.

I've been trying to come to terms with "seeing" my father again. It's not easy to admit this, even in my personal log, but now I see that a lot of what he used to nag me about was stuff he needed to nag me about. I did need to concentrate on my studies more - not just the subjects I was fascinated by, but also the things I needed to learn. I did learn it eventually, but on my own timetable, which was usually, oh, about three months after the class had ended. I'm certainly using everything I've ever learned out here now, not to mention learning a whole lot nobody back in the Alpha Quadrant ever dreamed about. Like aliens who project hallucinations on others for their own ends, whatever they are.

I only hope I get home in time to tell Dad this. Maybe it will help us understand each other a bit better. I hate the idea he thinks I'm dead, and that I was still the screw-up he knew in the Alpha Quadrant.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49331.9 _

This dilithium we mined from the asteroid field has B'Elanna and Harry super excited. Harry called me down to engineering when we were all off duty yesterday to show me what their experiments revealed. It's the most stable form of the substance ever found. B'Elanna thinks we can make a vessel capable of doing Warp 10 using it. WARP TEN! The Holy Grail! If the physicists' theories are right, it means the pilot of a shuttle doing Warp 10 would be traveling at infinite velocity. The pilot would be everywhere in the universe simultaneously! Time and distance would mean nothing!

If it works, we could get _Voyager_ home. Or even if it can't get _Voyager_ physically home, at least we would be in a position to send a message home, to let Starfleet and our families know we're alive. Maybe we could maintain actual contact with the Federation, so we could share technologies that could get us home faster. How great would that be? Everyone's been dreaming of home for such a long time now. I'd love to be the guy to help them get home, or at least, letting home know we're okay. On our way home.

The captain gave us the okay tonight. We're going to try to fit the Shuttlecraft _Cochrane_ with warp nacelles capable of Warp 10. The catch is, we'll have to work around our regular duty schedules.

As if that was going to be a problem! Harry and B'Elanna are my only close friends on _Voyager_. Having an excuse to work with them on this project - a dream come true for me - getting to spend almost all my time with them? I feel like the luckiest guy in the universe right now.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49352.1_

We're still no closer to solving the "ripped away warp nacelle" problem. Harry, B'Elanna and I have been driving ourselves crazy, but nothing seems to work. Typical. We've got the means with the dilithium. We just don't have a strong enough shuttle.

We might have to totally redesign the shuttle to make this work. That would put us back years, probably, because we barely have enough resources to keep up with repairing _Voyager_ and the shuttles we already have (especially at the rate we seem to keep crashing them - Chakotay, Chakotay, Chakotay). Well, I shouldn't only point my finger his way. He's not the only one.

I was so looking forward to doing something right for a change. This was my chance. I knew it. But now - well, let's say I may have to make my mark some other way. If only we could figure out what the problem really is!

Despite all our frustrations, the bright spot for me is spending time with B'Elanna. And Harry, of course - but B'Elanna. I am amazed by her engineering genius. She will fight to find the answer, if there is one, to her last breath. Courage. Brains. Beauty. Not to mention brawn! She is so wonderful, and she doesn't seem to have a clue just how wonderful she is. Amazing. And Harry, the idiot, never did make his play for her. If he's not going to go after her, I'm sure not holding myself back from asking her out. Assuming, of course, she'll actually accept my invitations. A social butterfly Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres certainly is not.

As long as the captain lets us work on this project, I'm happy to do it. A lot of other crew members, especially the ex-Maquis group, still aren't real enamored of my being on board this ship. I have earned their respect, to a degree, but good buddies are hard to find. Megan, Jenny and I are friendly, but it's at a superficial level at best. We do things together on the holodeck or have a quick bite in the mess hall together, but there's nothing deeper there, and it's not likely there ever will be. At least I know "Starfleet" and "Maquis," as Harry and B'Elanna call each other, are my friends. That means so much to me. I know I should let them know it somehow. Someday, I'm sure I will.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49371.3 _

We've finally got the problem with the warp nacelles licked. Neelix prompted the answer. Our all-around, handyman, cook, and morale guy actually gave us a great insight into what the problem was. We couldn't figure out why the warp nacelles were ripped off the shuttle whenever the speed approached Warp 10 in our holodeck simulations.

It's all a matter of perspective. It wasn't the warp nacelles getting ripped off. It was the _SHUTTLE_ being ripped away from the nacelles. Depolarization of the hull created a velocity differential between the fuselage and the nacelles. Once Neelix's observation tipped us off to that, we were able to set up a way to compensate. Well, B'Elanna and Harry did the actual computer programming, but I did help refine the concept with them.

At any rate, the captain gave us a go for tomorrow's first test flight. Into History!

_Personal Log Addendum:_

That was a very near thing. I almost lost my chance.

Right after I finished making my log entry, the captain came to see me. The Doctor's preflight exam showed some sort of brain abnormality in me. I've been flying for years, at the highest levels, and it never showed up before, but she was going to take me off the flight and give it to Harry instead.

I begged. I pleaded. I pulled every emotional string I could to get her to change her mind. Thankfully, I was able to convince her I was still the best option for the flight she had. Harry needs to be at Ops. I'm the best pilot. She knew that. Any little glitch in my brain - I know that's not going to be critical. We need me at the helm of this flight.

I know some of it is my own desire to do something that, someday, my dad might be proud of. When he learns about it, whenever that might be. It might even be tomorrow, if I can send a message home to Starfleet!

I know I also need to do it for me. And especially, I need to do it for Harry and B'Elanna and Captain Janeway and all the rest of the crew. I want to help us all get home. Maybe this will be the way I can look myself in the mirror again without that feeling of revulsion I still get when I remember Caldik Prime - which happens at least once a day.

I know I'll never really totally get over what happened that day. A training run gone bad. I hope tomorrow's flight will go better. At any rate, this time, if anyone buys it, it will only be me. I won't let _Voyager_ or anyone on board to be harmed in any way.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49401.3 _

I'm not sure how to make this log entry. I mean, I died. I turned into some sort of living man lizard. I kidnapped the captain and stole the _Cochrane_. We sped off at Warp 10, and both of us turned completely into lizards. And then we had lizard children.

I never realized living in the Delta Quadrant was like falling down the rabbit hole into Wonderland - or maybe Nightmareland says it better.

I didn't know how to face Captain Janeway when we woke up in Sickbay, and we found out what really happened. Thankfully, I don't remember the kidnapping or anything else that we did . . . I didn't remember doing . . . whatever it is we did . . . . Hell, I don't remember how we made those lizard babies. Me and the captain.

Man, I need to just ditch this log and start over. _(big sigh)_

No, I need to face this. The captain tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe she initiated the mating. Some females are the ones who take the lead, she said. Whatever. I was so embarrassed. It doesn't much matter if I approached her or she approached me, does it? We were intimate _SOMEHOW_. In a lizardly way, of course. Whatever that entails. With the tails.

I'm babbling here. _(another, even bigger sigh)_

Anyway, she called me into her Ready Room after we were released from Sickbay. She said she had a little proposition for me. I was almost afraid to hear what it might be, after the lizard thing! But when I got there, Tuvok was there, too. I didn't think he'd go along with anything too far out there, so I relaxed.

I'm putting a lock on this personal log now, so I can discuss this here. I have to discuss it somewhere, because I have a feeling I'll go crazy if I don't have some sort of outlet.

There's a spy on board this ship. Slipping info to the Kazon, and to Seska. Tuvok and Captain Janeway have known about it for a while, even before the captain and I slipped away for our little Warp 10 lizardly honeymoon. While Chakotay and Tuvok were searching for us, looking for the leak became a lesser priority. Now that we're back, and back to being human beings again, finding out who the spy is has gone back to the top of the list. And they think I'll be able to help them find out who it is.

It won't be easy. Well, maybe it will be easy for me to actually _DO._ Acting like a total jerk shouldn't be that difficult, because I was doing it all by myself for a good part of the past few years. Laren opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, and I tried, for a while, to be the man I could be instead of the jerk-off I acted like I was. Then I was captured, and I had to hide myself behind the "I don't give a damn about anything" persona to try to keep my sanity in prison. It wasn't any picnic there. I'm not going to record anything about what happened to me there in these logs. It's way too painful.

Babbling again.

The tough part is going to be that everyone who has believed in me, like Harry, Neelix and Kes, and especially B'Elanna, can't know about what I'm doing. The captain and Tuvok don't really believe any of them are involved in any way, but "loose lips sink ships," and all that. They might say the wrong thing to tip off whoever the real culprit is.

And one other thing. Chakotay isn't going to know anything about what I'm really doing, either. In fact, I'm supposed to really target him - save my worst to push all of his buttons so he really lets me have it. They don't believe he's the spy either, they assured me, but he needs to come down on me really hard to convince the real spy I've gone back to being the screw-up I was when I first came on board.

What else could I say but yes? Tuvok's mind meld save me from the Banean death sentence. I just stole Captain Janeway and reproduced lizards with her. I owe her, and him, for so much. Even this will never totally repay them for what they've done for me.

I'm not looking forward to the next few months. I have a feeling I'm going to have to spend a lot of my down time in the holodeck by myself for the immediate future, because none of my friends are going to want to spend much time with me after this.

Ricky, my fully functional holographic girlfriend - get ready for some serious fuck time.

Maybe I should spend some time in Sainte Claire, too. That World War II scenario. I've played Captain Miller a couple of times, but I think I'm going to be Lieutenant Bobby Davis from now on. Katrine looks way too much like Captain Janeway! I'd rather spend time with Brigitte anyway. Maybe even do the post war scenes, when Bobby comes back to his Brigitte.

Making love with "Brigitte" might be a better antidote for what I'm going to do for the captain and Tuvok then wild sex with Ricky. She's a bit boring. No depth, really. Brigitte is more real, somehow, maybe because she's based on a real person.

I'm going to need that.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49449.8 _

I knew this spy hunting assignment wasn't going to be any picnic, but today I felt like I was in Hell.

Baiting Chakotay is actually fun. I get to be the complete jerk he always thought I was. When Captain Janeway and Tuvok are "chewing me out" about my "miserable behavior," I'm getting to laugh it up with them about how I'm doing it. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much I'm enjoying it all.

Harry, though. B'Elanna. They think I've gone back to being Tom Paris the Jerk. Pig Paris. And when something happens like today, all I want to do is tell them the truth. No, I'm not backsliding. I'm not really that guy any more. But all they've got to go on is what they see, and what they hear, and that's me being an insubordinate, lazy, insufferable goof-off.

The scary thing is, I really used to be that way. It's sobering to see my bad-boy persona through their eyes. It happened today when I was working in engineering with B'Elanna.

We were working on ways to stop that smart bomb she programmed to attack the Cardassians for the Maquis. It showed up out here (dragged here by the Caretaker, too - he's managed to fuck us over one more time, even from beyond the grave).

B'Elanna tried to talk some sense into me. She realized I had been getting my act together and couldn't understand why I was losing it again. Not being able to tell her what was going on really hurt, and I struggled to find some way to respond to her lecturing. The best thing I could come up with was that she had surprised me with how well she had adjusted to being on _Voyager_. Dumb. She's a survivor. She's too smart _NOT_ to make the adjustments she needs to make to fit in here. The only thing that surprises me about her is how they let her go from the Academy, as brilliant as she is. And she doesn't seem to realize just how beautiful she is, either. That's a surprise, too.

After we got her off Dreadnought. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to come with me for dinner, but I couldn't. If I'd spent that sort of time with her, it "wouldn't be in character," according to Tuvok. I went to the holodeck instead. Spent my evening with Brigitte.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_ Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49480.2 _

Our good Doctor has met another good doctor. Surprising, actually, since the female good doctor is a Vidiian. Turns out not all of them are insane witch doctors like that guy who carved B'Elanna into two people. Dr. Pel's actually rather nice.

When we found her ship, she was dying. The Doc put her in stasis and came up with a very creative solution to the problem of taking her medical history. (It's not like we're going to be able to check with her usual personal physician back home on Vidiia - unless we all want to become organ donors.) He put her dying body in stasis and set up a way to pull her consciousness into a holographic projection, just like he is. That way they talk things out about her treatment.

I have to admit, after talking to Dr. Pel - or her holographic representation, I guess I should say - when they visited Sandrines for a little while today, I do feel sorrier for the Vidiians than I did right after B'Elanna and I were held prisoner in that mining/organ processing operation. They do have it tough. Still, it's not right to steal other people's organs. I don't care how desperate they are. There's got to be a better way. Grow some tissues in cultures, or something. The Doc is after B'Elanna to give up some of her brain cells for Dr. Pel, since that mad doctor thought Klingon DNA was a possible cure. So far, B'Elanna has refused to consider it, but she might be breaking down. I saw her talking to the Doc and Dr. Pel in Sandrines for a while, too. Still, I can't say I blame B'Elanna for not wanting to go along with the Doc's plan. I witnessed how horrible it was for her there.

Every time I think of that place, I think of the Talaxian we left behind. I'm still bummed by that.

Well, to turn to pleasanter things, I think I'll talk about sex. While the Doctor's idea about placing her basic awareness into a holographic projection was certainly creative, I've gotta wonder if he's got some sort of ulterior motive. Like maybe a procreative motive. The Doc begged me for dating advice, and I had the perfect program to suggest to him that will be sure to impress her.

It's my '57 Chevy on Mars program. Parking. Maybe going all the way, who knows? I _have_ been feeding him the information he's requested every now and then, and some of it has had to do with "exploring single cell fertilization," including how to program the equipment needed to accomplish the deed. I haven't fiddled with his program, but I wouldn't put it past him to do it himself. At this point, I'm in no position to ask B'Elanna about it! She's still pretty pissed at me for the way I've been acting.

At least the Doc is immune to the Clap. I mean, Phage. _(audible snicker)_

Now, on to the Let's See How Far We Can Go Until Chakotay Takes My Head Off Project. I spent some more time in the slammer. The captain sent me to the brig for my insolence. I'm on the captain's orders to be as abrasive as I know how. And as we all know, that's something Tommy-Boy excels at. I can't let Chakotay know this, of course. We still have no idea who the creep is. I might be spending a lot more time grounded in the brig in the next few weeks if we don't find out anything more soon. This thing has gone on way longer than I hoped it would.

_Personal Log Addendum_**: **

I heard that Torres has agreed to give the tissue sample for Denara's brain surgery. That's a much bigger deal than the Doc can possibly comprehend. It's a testament to how nice Dr. Pel really is - holographic projection or Vidiian almost-a-cadaver though she is.

It's too bad she can't stick around a little longer. I just hope I'll still be around when she leaves. Today Tuvok told me if nothing happens in the next couple of days, we might have to go to Plan B. And I'm not crazy about Plan B.

Oh, I almost forgot. Dr. Pel has given the Doc a name! He's her "Schmullis." If "Doc Schmullis" sticks as his name, it would be a great way for her to pay us all back for her treatment. A name for our EMH at last!

Of course, I have no intention of calling him anything but "Doc" even if he does decide that's his name. I always did love Bugs Bunny.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49482.4 _

Well, tomorrow is the day. We've tried for weeks to smoke out the spy. The captain and Tuvok hoped whoever it was might approach me to ask me if I'd work with them, but no one ever came forward.

So, Plan B is in operation. I'm "resigning" my field commission and leaving _Voyager_ to find my way around the Delta Quadrant all by my lonesome. Following the oh, so, charming Seska's lead. Establishing my stupidity for all time in the eyes of any sentient creature.

I did my bravado act for Captain Janeway. "Don't worry, Captain. I'll get us the information we need." Tuvok just raised his eyebrow in that Vulky thing he does. He wasn't fooled. I have a hunch the captain wasn't fooled either.

The truth is, I may not come back from the Kazon ship alive. I have to face that fact. So, I updated all my "last messages" to the people I've been close to on the ship. Obviously, it didn't take much time to do that. There aren't that many here. I did one to go to both Megan and Jenny Delaney. One to Baytart, Hamilton, and the rest of the relief pilots - one for the Doc - and a general one for the whole crew, a plea for their understanding and forgiveness. I apologized for my bad behavior. I told them the captain and Tuvok could fill them in on the reasons, but really, it was all an act, with the full knowledge and approval of Captain Janeway. I left the details to be supplied by the captain and Tuvok. I trust they'll fill them in, if the worst happens.

I went into detail, though, for my messages to Harry and B'Elanna, and to Neelix and Kes. I thanked them all for keeping the faith with me for as long as they did, and for trying to bring me back to the straight and narrow. If I really was screwing up again, they would have brought me back! But since I was under orders from the captain, I couldn't. I apologized to them, too, because the last of me they'd ever see would have been the worthless Tom Paris. It pained me to say that, but it was true.

I recorded messages to Captain Janeway and Tuvok, absolving them of any blame if I was lost, and thanked them for the opportunity to do something for the ship. Then I managed to do a special one for Chakotay. It was hard. I know I was just about giving him ulcers the way I was behaving. What else could I say but that I was sorry he was seeing the worst of me again? I was going to add something about Laren, and my "loss" of the _Eye of the Prophets_, but I decided to leave well enough alone and deleted that part. He'd never understood about us. It would sound too much like me groveling for his approval. We were way past that by now.

Finally, I wrote a letter to my parents and sisters, to be delivered when _Voyager_ was able to communicate with the Alpha Quadrant again. I apologized to them, too. I had asked the captain to fill them in about me, too, in the message I recorded for her. I'm sure she'll tell them I did this to help her and the others get home safely. Dad was her mentor. I'm sure he'd believe her more than me anyway.

Afterwards, I felt a little better. Not much. The captain had given me two hours of holodeck privileges for my "last night" on _Voyager_. Since it may very well be my last night anywhere, I took advantage of every minute of that time. I was going to go to Ricky, but then I changed my mind. I went to Sainte Claire, to Brigitte, and spent my time in her arms, making love to her. I wish it could have been all night. I know I'm not going to sleep much tonight anyway.

Just before I got up to go, I froze the program. Made a few changes. Brigitte now has hair the color of honey, and green eyes. Her skin is very fair, with rosy cheeks. I was thinking about changing her nose and lips, too, but I couldn't go through with it. I love her face too much just the way it is. Then I unfroze the program, and I gave Brigitte one last kiss. She didn't notice her coloring had changed. She is a hologram, after all. I knew it was the last kiss, because I won't go back to Sainte Claire ever again, even if I manage to get out of this alive. It's time to close this chapter of my life. No more Holodeck lovers.

Before I left, I put my Brigitte into the archive, under my own security code. The original Brigitte will appear if anyone chooses that program from now on. If B'Elanna ever digs into it, she'll be able to find her, of course. And if she sees the resemblance of this version of Brigitte to her human half, I won't be around. She won't be able to break my nose with one sucker punch, like she did to Carey. Small favors. I wouldn't mind having her punch me out if it means I'll get back in one piece!

Hopefully, this won't be the real . . .

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49490.2 _

Well, it wasn't the final personal log entry after all. Neelix found the spy without my help. I probably never had to leave the ship at all. The joke was on me, although this morning, I did an interview on his _A Briefing with Neelix_ program and we yucked it up at Chakotay's expense.

Afterwards, I didn't feel that good about making fun of Chakotay. He was set up. I made a fool of him the whole time, not just on Neelix's program. I tried to apologize to Chakotay (he's never going to get that "final message" from me now, since I got back), but he was pretty brusque with me. I'll bet he'll make his displeasure known to the captain and Tuvok, too. I can't say I blame him. It _was_ fun to act the fool, but I'm afraid it will set back any respect he might have started to develop for me by quite a bit.

Kes, Neelix, and Harry welcomed me back. Torres didn't. She'd chewed me out just before I left the ship, in the mess hall. I hope we can become friends again, like we were when we were working on the Warp 10 project. But after kidnapping the captain, turning into a lizard, and then acting like a total pig again, that might not be possible. B'Elanna doesn't suffer fools gladly, and I think she thought I was taking her for a fool, too.

_(audible sigh)_ I did it for the captain, and for Tuvok, and I have no idea if it was even necessary. I hope it was worth it. Commendations aren't everything, I have to admit. It's getting pretty lonely on this ship.

This evening, I almost went back to Sainte Claire again, even though I had promised myself I wouldn't. I have to stay away. I think I'm falling in love with Brigitte. She's probably the only one on this ship who'd still have me, now that Megan and I have agreed we're better off just being friends and the real B'Elanna probably hates me.

Fun and games on the holodeck - fine. _Chez Sandrine - _fine. Holodeck lovers - not fine. Bad for me. The only thing keeping me going is that, contrary to my expectations, there's not a lot of pairing off going on board _Voyager_. Yet.

Although the Doc does still have Denara Pel on board. It figures. On this crazy ship, the only ones having an active sex life are the holograms - and those that love them.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49632.7 _

Everything is in an uproar. Kes is in mourning. The captain is in a quandary.

There was a transporter accident. Neelix and Tuvok are both gone, and one new being is in their place. Places? Whatever. Anyway, we have Tuvix, who looks eerily like both of them. He seems to be a lot like both of them, too. The best of both of them, it seems. But what is the captain going to do? Can we get them back, or do we keep him?

B'Elanna and I went back down to the planet they'd beamed up from. I joked with her that if the same thing happened to us, we would be the hermaphroditic wonder of the Delta Quadrant. Tall, blonde hair, ridged forehead, snarky attitude, and a wicked left cross. She rolled her eyes at me in that way she does, but it was nice to see. We're getting back that easy friendship we used to have, before the Michael Jonas investigation. I never bring it up. He was one of her engineers, and an ex-Maquis. She's still a bit sensitive about it.

Needless to say, we played it safe and took a shuttle.

I think we'd have enjoyed our time on the planet more if we weren't on such a serious mission: fact-finding to see if we could find out anything about those orchids Tuvok and Neelix were beaming aboard with them. Sure enough, when that orchid was beamed up with other flowers, more hybrids were formed.

Unfortunately, it's easy to blend species together with this "symbiogenesis," as the Doc called it. Unblending them is the tricky part.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49654.1 _

Tuvix is still here, but it might not be for long. The Doc and Harry think they've found a way to bring Tuvok and Neelix back. The catch is, Tuvix will end up dying. And he's not crazy about the prospect. Can't blame him.

He's a pleasant guy, I must admit. Who knew a Talaxian blended with a Vulcan could be so personable? But I miss Neelix, who has become my friend, and Tuvok, to whom I owe my sanity and my life.

I don't envy the captain's choice.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49655.7 _

The captain made her choice. We have Neelix and Tuvok back. We had to say good-bye to Tuvix. It was terrible. He begged for his life at the end. I understand the captain had to punch the instructions into the transporter to undo the damage. The Doc said because of his oath that he can "do no harm," he couldn't. Well, he should have made sure they didn't find a way to split Tuvix back into Tuvok and Neelix then, shouldn't he?

Truthfully, if we could have found a way to keep all three of them, I'd have been all for it. I think the captain would have, too. Not sure what Tuvok or Neelix would have said about it, since they weren't in a position to testify about what they wanted. I know it wasn't technically feasible, but it would have been the best way out of this dilemma. I ended up liking Tuvix almost as much as I like Tuvok and Neelix, but after all, it's not like he had a right to live over the other two.

I don't know what Starfleet is going to say when we get back, because I know there's some disagreement amongst the crew over the captain's decision. The way I see it is this: even though Tuvix didn't mean to do it, in a sense he "killed" Neelix and Tuvok when he was created. So, the captain's "execution" of him can be justified by that "crime." Unintentional Homicide, or something.

Sometimes, there's no good solution to a problem, just the one you learn to live with. I should have learned that by now, I guess. Still, I wish we could have kept him alive somehow too.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49668.9 _

After all the drama about Tuvix, it was a relief to have a day like today. Neelix suggested we go to this planet that was right in the neighborhood. He's heard it has a lot of wonderful natural resources, particularly of the food variety. Sometimes Neelix's idea of "wonderful food" doesn't jive with our own Alpha Quadrant taste buds' idea of a good meal. Scratch that and make it "most of the time." Anyway, we beamed down and scavenged a lot of plants that are high in nutritional value and actually taste good. Now, the challenge: to prevent Neelix from jazzing them up with too many of his obnoxious Delta Quadrant spices, so they will continue to taste good.

_Personal Log Addendum_

The Doc just contacted me and asked if any insects bit me while I was down on the planet. Apparently a couple of the crew were and now they aren't doing so well.

The bugs on Earth really love me, but on this planet, not so much. I feel fine; I don't remember getting bitten; and I can't even see a reddened or itchy spot anywhere that's suspicious. He asked me to come to Sickbay help Kes and him check over the rest of the crew for bites. He said he'd call in Sam Wildman to help, too, but he doesn't want little Naomi around Sickbay right now - just in case. After the tragedy of that doubled _Voyager_ several weeks ago, I can understand why he wants to be careful with the little tyke. That Voyager's Harry Kim carried their Naomi here, to replace our Harry and our Naomi, who died when the Vidiians attacked our ships. Our Sam has been super protective after all of that happened (and Harry has trouble deciding if he feels like "himself" or not. Hey, maybe he and Naomi are the only ones who are!)

At any rate, it's better to be careful, in case there's some other way whatever it is can spread to the rest of us, even without an insect carrier biting us. It's possible the insect bite wasn't the reason they got sick, either. I hope it _was_ the insect, though. Then none of the rest of us have any call to worry.

I wonder who the crewmen are who got bitten? The Doc didn't say, but he really seems spooked by this. He's usually pretty unflappable.

_Personal Log Addendum_

I see why the Doc got so freaked out. The "couple of crewmen" bitten by those insects are Captain Janeway and Chakotay. And not only are they not doing well, their condition deteriorated rapidly while I was helping check out the rest of the crew. The Doc plans to put them both in stasis if they get any worse. He's sure it will take some time to find a way to counteract whatever those bug bites did to the two of them.

It's Acting Captain Tuvok in charge now. The captain asked him to take over while the senior command team is feeling so poorly. If things don't go well, it may be a permanent change. I hope Tuvok's recovered from his bout of being mixed up with Neelix, because we're really going to need him to be in tip-top condition as long as the captain and first officer are incapacitated.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49690.1_

No one wants to talk about it. I don't much want to, either. We've gotten so used to the Doc being the Miracle Man, we couldn't imagine he wouldn't be able to find a cure for Captain Janeway and Chakotay. Don't need to imagine it any more. He's admitted defeat.

We had to leave them on that insect-ridden planet today. The one thing the Doctor was able to figure out is that, as long as they stay on the planet, something in the atmosphere will keep them from dying. That actually makes a weird sort of sense, because if those bugs killed off all of their hosts, they'd end up dying off, too.

We've left them a portable shelter. All sorts of supplies and a portable replicator with power source. A shuttle. The Doc also sent down lab equipment the captain can use to continue looking for a cure. If they do find a cure, they can use the shuttle to get back to _Voyager_ - as long as they find it quickly. That shuttle can barely do Warp 4. And I devoutly hope Chakotay won't get a yen to explore and drive it around unless they're ready to leave - his history with shuttles isn't that great. It would be just our luck he'd crash the shuttle the same day the captain found the cure.

The captain gave a very nice speech over the comm before we were out of communication range. I wish she'd given Chakotay a chance to say farewell, too, but she didn't. However, I found out from B'Elanna and Hogan that Chakotay sent a transmission to his old Maquis mates a little earlier to tell them they were both feeling good, now that they were on the planet. They were working getting settled, but he'd taken a break to call them.

It would have been nice if he'd included the entire crew in that message, but since the captain didn't give him a chance when we were all listening, I'm glad, for B'Elanna's sake - and for the others, too, of course - they heard his voice one more time.

The captain ordered Tuvok _NOT_ to go to the Vidiians for help. Of course, of all people, I understand the danger, but they're the only ones in this part of the Delta Quadrant that have the sophisticated sort of medical know-how that might have a cure. Neelix said he's sure the Vidiians know about this planet. They haven't settled it, though, so maybe they don't have an answer to this insect bug virus, either.

And how do you feel about this, Tommy-Boy? Lousy . . . oops. Bad choice of words there. Insect connotations. Let me just say that this is one of the worst things that could happen to me personally, and to the rest of the crew, too, especially the Maquis, like B'Elanna. Captain Janeway is a force of nature. Without her speaking up for us, we're landing in jail for sure once we get back to the Alpha Quadrant. _IF_ we ever get back. The odds have just plummeted. Tuvok is a great tactical officer. As a captain, I have a feeling he's a great tactical officer.

Maybe he'll grow in the job. We'll need him to do just that.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49724.6 _

Harry is trying to emulate me, and not in a good way. He's tried twice now to convince Tuvok to go to the Vidiians for a cure for the captain and Chakotay. Even I know mouthing off to your captain is a Bad Thing. If I didn't know it before, I certainly learned that lesson during that whole Jonas investigation thing, when I got thrown in the brig for doing just that (record expunged, of course, since I was doing it as a ruse, but still, to Harry it was real at the time). Harry's a smart guy, but he obviously didn't learn anything from what happened to me. Or else maybe this Harry from the other dimension didn't get the memo. Harry is one step away from the brig, not to mention being removed from duty permanently, if what Harry told me Tuvok said to him is accurate.

Hogan and Swinn had gone to Harry and B'Elanna about whether she'd be willing to contribute some of her Klingon DNA to get an antidote for Captain Janeway and Chakotay. The only one we'd approach would be Dr. Pel, of course. She owes us, so I'm sure she'd be honest with us and admit it if there isn't such an animal. Her friends now, that could be another matter. I wonder if she's still got that one-person shuttlecraft of hers? It would be the safest way for her to deliver the stuff to Voyager.

The catch is, Captain Tuvok forbids us to contact her. He pointed out (quite accurately) that in that ship "doubling" incident, the _Voyager_ that blew up took out over 300 Vidiians from their ship who were attacking us. He thinks they might be a bit testy about that.

I really want the captain back, and Chakotay, too, but I see why Tuvok wants to continue to obey the captain's last order to him. It's almost the _Kobiyashi Maru_ scenario. There could be a way out in the Vidiian anti-virus scenario, but it's more likely we'd all die.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49730.6 _

Kes went to Tuvok. She convinced him to contact Dr. Pel. I don't know why we didn't think of that sooner. Tuvok has a professional relationship with Harry. Kes, however, can look at her mentor Tuvok with those big baby blues and ask away without being threatened with the brig. That was a great strategy. Trust Kes to come up with it. She still looks like an innocent, but she's one smart cookie.

Dr. Pel returned Tuvok's message almost as soon as he sent it. She's on a ship headed this way right now with a supply of the anti-virus serum.

I would have dictated this log two days ago, when this all happened, but I couldn't. We've been doing battle scenarios ever since, and I was too exhausted the past few nights to do anything but fall into bed when I was free. Tuvok doesn't trust the Vidiians. Needless to say, B'Elanna and I don't, either, except for Dr. Pel. We're sure she's sincere. Those other guys: not so much. Scratch that. Make that, "not at all."

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49894.8 _

Today was a very happy day. We finally picked up the captain and Chakotay from that planet. They called it "New Earth." The captain was _NOT_ thrilled we'd gone to the Vidiians after she gave Tuvok a direct order not to, but even she had to admit that once she'd turned command over to him, he could do whatever he damn well pleased.

And we _were_ almost damned when those double-crossing Frankenstein monsters tried to capture us. They have no concept at all of "humanitarian aid." Well, Dr. Pel certainly does. She made sure she got the anti-viral serum to us, even though we couldn't get B'Elanna's DNA back to Dr. Pel. The Doc said she was frantic that we'd think she betrayed us. She swore she didn't. And I'm sure she didn't, either. You just know when someone is legit, and Dr. Pel, she's the real deal.

But I shouldn't go over all of this again. I already put that in my logs weeks ago, right after it happened. The main thing is, we got Captain Janeway and Chakotay back. And they were jumping for joy and hugging everybody on the bridge to thank us for finally coming back to get them . . . and no, that's a total fabrication. I'm ashamed of myself for putting that in here, personal log or no. The fact is, they seemed as if they were pleased we came back to get them. And that's about as far as it went. If anything, they were overly-professional. From where I sat at the conn (and yes, I admit, I did steal glances back at them several times to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing), coming back was actually awkward for them.

Now, I know everyone thinks I have sex on my mind every minute of the day. Not true. I sometimes go hours without thinking about it. Well, maybe when I'm sleeping.

The truth is, I've seen that sort of behavior before, and it's after a couple who has been intimate has just broken up but can't avoid being in the same place with one another. I told my suspicions to Harry and B'Elanna at dinner, and they both accused me of having a dirty mind.

Well, I do have a dirty mind sometimes. A lot of the time, maybe. But this time, I felt really depressed at what I was seeing. Because if I'm right, the only reason they "broke up" was because of the protocols against captains and first officers messing around with each other. The captain, in particular, had a very subdued air about her. Crisply efficient as always, of course, but I detected a little sadness. Her usual warmth just wasn't there. And Chakotay, too. Harry, B'Elanna and I sometimes kid around about how stiff he can be, but today he had a different sort of reserve about him. It was more like he was barely holding himself together by burying himself in the details of the work she was assigning him. They never once made eye contact that I could see.

Maybe B'Elanna and Harry are right, and it's just my fertile imagination getting the better of me. Or maybe they agree with me but simply won't admit it. It is certainly possible nothing happened between Captain Janeway and Chakotay down on that planet. But I don't believe that for a minute.

Consider this: they spent well over two months alone, in a single dwelling, expecting to live the rest of their lives alone on that planet. I think they became lovers while they were there. Maybe not right away, but they were down there all by their lonesome for a long time. With the way the captain is so touchy-feely with everyone on _Voyager_, and especially Chakotay, how could they resist?

I heard the captain tell Tuvok they thought they were marooned forever once they lost their medical lab equipment in a storm. So we've got two handsome, vital, warm people who are close friends and, as far as I can see, really attracted to each other. They get left like Adam and Eve on this planet on the other side of the galaxy from their homes, and they expect me to think they kept their hands and bodies totally to themselves for all that time? Hell, I would have wanted to sleep with her, if only for comfort once we knew we couldn't expect ever to get home again.

Well, I actually _did_ do something with her on that lonely planet during that Time of the Lizards, didn't I? Maybe for comfort. Certainly for procreation. Lizard love, love, love.

Babbling again. _(sigh) _Seems to happen every time I think about my lizard days.

But to get back on track, I hope they _DID_ screw each other blind for the entire time they were on New Earth. Since the captain is such a stickler for protocol, I doubt she's going to get much action from anyone else from now on, unless she does decide to let Chakotay into her bed. And I just can't see that happening as long as there's any chance to get us home.

And that's really sad.

_End Personal Log_


	3. Year Three

**Year Three**

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50035.1 _

I have to apologize to you, Personal Log. It's been a while. You see, I was off the ship, and then once I got back on the ship, I was really, really busy, for quite some time. So, while my official logs are all up to date, you have been so sorely neglected . . .

I don't know if there's a protocol for apologizing to your own Personal Log, but I'm so exhausted, maybe I should just sign off and get some sleep.

Nah. I've got to talk to someone, and you're right here.

Voyager was taken by the Kazon Mistra, thanks to Seska the sneaky snake and her man Maje Cullah. I know I should probably not speak ill of the dead, and Seska has gone to whatever Cardassian Hell or Heaven she deserves-the former, I personally believe. But Hogan and Gaspar died on Hanon IV, so I'm not inclined to be particularly charitable towards her right now. I'm sorry for her baby, who is now motherless, but Hogan was a really good guy, one of the Maquis who was starting to be friendly towards me even when B'Elanna wasn't around. I'm going to miss him. And Gaspar was a young kid. He'd barely had a chance to start living. He was only a few months older than Harry.

It was bad enough they'd taken over the ship. I can understand she needed to get rid of the crew, actually. But to pick a planet that was so geologically unstable? With such skimpy resources? And dumping off an almost newborn baby? So much for understanding mother love. What did Sam Wildman ever do to Seska, other than to coexist?

If Seska had to dump them off, the least she could have done was pick a place where they would have a reasonable chance to survive. The crew was only there for a couple of days, and two of the crew had already been killed. Little Naomi was very sick for a while, I understand, and they almost lost her. And back here on _Voyager_, Suder is dead, too.

No, I'm not sorry Seska's dead. We never thought of her as our enemy until she made herself one. I get it. She was a Cardassian spy, so she was our enemy in the Alpha Quadrant. But when she was thrown out here with us, she could have stopped the warfare. Why bother? Barring a miracle, it's going to take us decades to get home. The war between Cardassia and the Federation should be long over by the time we even get close to getting back home, assuming we ever do. The Feds and the Cardies might be best buddies by the time we get back. Why continue a fight when it isn't really necessary?

And it turns out her kid wasn't Chakotay's after all. I don't know if the Maje knows the little boy really is his son. I have a hunch Seska was so used to lying about everything, she never told him the truth.

Oh, well. Time to get a grip on my anger. It's not going to help get everything back to normal. Thanks to the Doc and Suder, we managed to get the ship back. We did have to do some damage to _Voyager_ to get it back, though. Paxim and the Talaxian convoy came through when we needed them. I was so grateful to them for their help. It was a little tough talking with Paxim sometimes, though. He reminded me of that Talaxian in the Vidiian mines. (I don't think I'll ever be able to get over leaving him behind. I'm reminded of him constantly.)

Anyway, once we were able to take back control of _Voyager,_ we fixed it up enough to get it moving again and flew as fast as we could to Hanon IV. It's a good thing we weren't far away, because I don't know how long the captain and the crew could have held out there. Conditions were not good on that planet. It's a shame we had to leave the indigenous people there as they were, but, the Prime Directive you know. There's a limit to what we could do for them. Some admiral (hopefully not my father) will probably want to throw the book at Janeway for "granting pre-warp populations knowledge of starships."

If that happens and I'm around, I'll suggest to Mr. Admiral he should be gunning for Seska. She did the landing in front of these people first! Actually, if they remember it at all, the people will probably warp the story radically and transform it into myth. Maybe _Voyager_ will be the "sky boat that came down from the gods of the stars."

I really should finish up now. I'm getting punchy. We're all pulling 12 to 16 hour shifts working on restoring all the systems we can from the parts available. And we're having Suder's funeral tomorrow. The serial killer who became a hero by killing Kazon warriors. Talk about your irony of ironies. Tuvok said he was finally beginning to get control of himself, too. We're doing a memorial service for Hogan and Gaspar at the same time. There's nothing of them to bury. A snake ate them.

Yup. That's the Delta Quadrant for you. People you think are your friends turn out to be the enemy and stab you in the back and die. Your crew mates take an unanticipated and undesired shore leave and die. A man who would have been condemned for murder in the Alpha Quadrant saves the skins of his crew mates and then dies.

There's a lot of death out here. We really need to do something about living in the time we've got, because who knows how long that's going to be? It's time to find some happiness. The future will just have to take care of itself. _Carpe diem_, I say.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50074.9 _

Did you hear the one about the elusive wormhole and the Ferengi prophets? Wait, Personal Log. Make sure you spell that "Ferengi Profits." They had a great gig there on that backwater planet. Beautiful "Oo-mox girls." Plenty of moolah from conjuring up what amounted to trinkets from the "holy icon" - really, a garden variety portable replicator - which they traded for really valuable stuff. Did I mention the very lovely "Oo-mox" girls?

Chakotay made a _sotto voce_ comment about glass beads buying Manhattan, which took me a few minutes to process. And yeah, that's about right. Trade $24 old dollars of beaded necklaces for a gazillion dollars' worth of real estate. Trust Chakotay to pick up on that. He's not descended from that particular tribe, but I'm sure his people learn about the swindles pulled on their people by the time they're able to walk.

The captain was really eager to "out-Ferengi the Ferengi," but they used our own moral code against us. So we had to do a bit of swindling ourselves, with the help of that ballad "The Song of the Sages" that was being sold by another swindler - the beggar who couldn't remember which eye to put his fake patch on. They were pretending they were the "Great Sages" that were predicted to "come upon a burning flame." The Ferengi ship must have spiraled out of control when it came out of that wormhole several years ago, so it probably did fit the song that way. And then, as Ferengi are so adept at doing, they managed to find a weak spot in the local populace to fleece the people of their hard-earned goods. They got away with it for quite a while, too.

Neelix made a great imitation Grand Nagus - excuse me, the Grand Proxy - must keep my Ferengi luminaries straight - but he almost got burned at the stake along with the real Ferengi. Once the people finally had had enough, they tried to roast all three of them. Janeway saved them all at the last minute, and then the two real Ferengi snuck away and went up into the sky "with the ringing of the bell," beating us to the wormhole that drew us to that system in the first place. They destabilized it, of course, so we couldn't use it, too. They messed it up so much, God only knows where they ended up. Those two deserve to be dumped out at the edge of the event horizon of a black hole and sucked right in. With their luck, they probably landed in the Alpha Quadrant, right next to Deep Space Nine, or something.

I know a lot of the crew, and especially the captain, were really bummed because we couldn't use the wormhole to get home ourselves. Me, I didn't have a problem. I can't admit this to too many people (especially to Harry, who was really depressed by what happened), but I'm actually happier we're still in the Delta Quadrant. Yes, it's dangerous. We're on our own out here. But I also don't have to worry about any out-mate reviewers deciding I've been out of prison long enough and telling me I have to travel back down to Auckland to finish out my sentence. I was talking to B'Elanna, and she admitted she's not really in any hurry to get back "home" either. In fact, she says _Voyager_ is more like home to her than just about any place she's ever lived. I can relate.

I also must admit that Chakotay and I worked together well in Takar City when we were investigating the Ferengi scam. It's the first time, since that _other_ investigation ended, that I felt he didn't have that hovering in the back of his mind the entire time we were working the away team. We did our job, and that was it.

And I refuse to recycle that outfit, "lobe" necklace and all. It was so comfortable compared to our uniforms! I'm keeping them for lounging around my quarters, just in case a lovely crew member gets lonely and wants to visit me.

Right. Fat chance.

The lobe earring is cute, though. Maybe I'll give it to Naomi to play with when she gets a little bigger. For now, it will be a great touch for my costume if we have a Halloween party. Maybe Neelix would want to come as the Grand Nagus. Proxy. Whatever. I think he'll be able to laugh at what happened, since he didn't get too singed by that fire. And he doesn't mind about the wormhole doing a disappearing act, I gather. The Alpha Quadrant isn't his home, either, is it?

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50175.3 _

Prison, again. And this time, I didn't do anything at all to deserve getting thrown into the slammer. I didn't flirt with the wrong girl or join an illicit organization. Harry and I were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Story of my life. _NOT_ the story of Harry's, before now. I warned him I wasn't a good luck charm, way back when we first came on board _Voyager_. Did he listen? No, of course not. And thank God he didn't, because I'd be dead now if he didn't protect me in that Akritirian prison.

That Clamp thing they use to drive the prisoners crazy is a very insidious but effective device. Cuts down on the need for prison guards. They don't even pick up the garbage, I understand. That crazy "My Manifesto" Zio guy told us the rest of the prisoners strip the bodies of anything of value to them and use the bodies for "whatever else they need" (and I don't want to know any of the details _at all_ about exactly what "using the bodies" entails). Then they simply zip whatever is left of the dearly departed down the garbage chute. Assuming there _IS_ anything left.

"Lord of the Flies" for adults.

I was in a daze most of the time after I got stabbed. Harry told me I did something to this tool he'd made, and he almost killed me, he said. He was apologizing like crazy, and I told him it was okay. It was the Clamp doing that to him, of course. He _DIDN'T_ kill me. The one thing I remember clearly was Harry standing over me with this pipe in his hand, ready to slam anyone who touched me, yelling, "This man is my friend."

If I did break that tool he needed, maybe I should have died down there. Or I should say "up there," since the prison was an isolated space station. Again, very cost effective. Dump the prisoners and a little food every now and then down the Chute, and that's all that prison administration had to do. The prisoners take care of the rest of the punishment themselves.

It's enough to make me want to swear off ever taking another shore leave forever.

I don't really remember much about the rescue. Harry told me afterwards that Neelix got the Away Team in position by pretending to be confused about where the local fueling station is. Quite inventive. Harry said it was really something to see the captain come flying down the Chute, lugging one of those big phaser rifles and making all the crazy prisoners keep their distance while we were scooped up and rescued. I wish I could remember it, but I was in Sickbay for a good five days afterwards recovering. I was really out of it. This time, I must admit, I have no guilty feelings at all that the rest of the prisoners weren't rescued. This was nothing like that Vidiian mine place, where those people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, like we were. Most of those guys, like the guy who stabbed me, were absolutely, fucking crazy.

When I was doing better, Harry and B'Elanna visited me in Sickbay and filled me in on everything. Apparently the crew has decided the nickname "Big Betsy," as we've dubbed those phaser rifles, no longer fits. Now everyone is calling them "Action Kate Specials." Out of the captain's hearing, of course. Not that I think she'd really care, mind you. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd secretly love that name.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50204.2 _

We had a very nice gathering this evening with our guests, the Enarans. We're bringing them back to their home world. They're trading their energy conservation technology to us to pay for their transport. Neelix went all out with the decorations, the menu. I wasn't aware they were telepathic until one of them helped the captain play a musical instrument she'd never even seen before. Pretty cool.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50212.5 _

Those Enarans have a very dark history. B'Elanna found out the hard way. One of the old women, Jora Mirell they called her, was apparently really Korenna Mirell, who was telepathically communicating with B'Elanna about atrocities the Enarans committed against some of their people decades ago. Killed them off, apparently. And the old woman died under mysterious circumstances, too, right after she finished sending the last of her messages to B'Elanna. The Doctor confirms she didn't die of old age, I know that.

So, our trade deal and the planned shore leaves are killed off, too. After what happened on Akritiri after my last shore leave, I'm not as broken up about it as some of the crew are. I'm glad one of the Enaran engineers, a pretty girl named Jessen, agreed to take the memories Korenna sent to B'Elanna so that the truth would not die with the death of Korenna Mirell.

What B'Elanna told Harry and me about what happened to these "Regressives" was really horrifying, too. She was a little more reticent about some of the details, though. The rumor mill is going that before the memories - which B'Elanna initially thought were dreams - got really intense, they were on the erotic side. B'Elanna refused to confirm that when Harry and I hinted around the submect when we talked with her afterwards. However, she didn't deny it either. Very suspicious. But very good for B'Elanna. She deserves to have a little fun! Klingon women are supposed to have spectacular sex lives. If it doesn't have a warp core throbbing away inside of it, B'Elanna isn't interested.

I'd love to change that, but she's made it clear. We're good friends, but that's all. She's not interested in dating me. Sad, but true.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50257.1 _

Well, at least I'm out of Sickbay. Yup. I was back. These aliens the locals know of as "The Swarm" attacked B'Elanna and me when we were traveling back to _Voyager,_ after investigating some odd, intermittent sensor readings. I'd been kidding her about how she's been living like a Tabern monk, although she told me that Freddy Bristow has a crush on her. Freddy fucking Bristow. Argh.

I admit it. I was flirting with her. It's about time we both had a good time socially. I make no apologies! She's a beautiful woman.

The next thing I know, I'm waking up in Sickbay after an operation. And what's really scary is that I found out afterwards, the Doctor actually forgot how to do the operation! It's all those opera logarithms and additions to his program - like the ones that make him a "fully functional hologram" - cluttering up his matrix. Fortunately, B'Elanna and her team were able to fix him up so he could fix _me_ up.

Now I really owe B'Elanna a nice time. I wonder if she'd be interested in my '57 Chevy on Mars program? Or maybe something else fun? I'll have to see what she'd like to do, if she's ever willing to accept a date from me.

When Sto-Vo-Kor freezes over, I guess.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50314.3 _

Break out the champagne! We made it home to Earth!

Too bad it was in the wrong year, like, 300 years in the past sort of wrong year. And they've got these Time Police, we found out, who wouldn't let us stay.

I loved hanging around with "Mr. Freakasaurus Tuvok" on the beach and at the Griffith's Observatory, of all places. My mom took me there once years ago, when I was a little kid, but it didn't look at all like it did on that visit. They've rebuilt it a couple of times because of earthquake damage. I liked it better back in 1996, especially the way Rain Robinson decorated her workplace. All of those wonderful old vintage horror and sci-fi movie posters were just so cool. I think the coolest thing was that even back then, they were vintage posters.

Rain was a girl I would like to have gotten to know a little better. She was smart. She figured out we were out of step with the times (and I guess I've got to step up my 20th century research, because I'm not as up on it as I thought I was). It's too bad. Because of the possibility of polluting the time line, I really couldn't take advantage of my time with her. I know Captain James T. Kirk brought Dr. Gillian Taylor back to the 23rd century when he rescued those whales. When he was being court martialed for everything he'd done, the historians found out that according to all the historical records, this Dr. Taylor had disappeared without a trace in 1996, so no harm, no foul with her, apparently. I'm afraid to look up Rain. I'd hate to find out she was my great-great-grandmother or something.

I really would have _loved_ to have gone on that date. I had to tell her we weren't going to be in town. Yeah, right. _REALLY_ out of town. Like, on the other side of the galaxy out of town, courtesy of good old Captain Braxton. One of the Captain Braxtons. Man, I understand now why the captain says time paradoxes give her a headache.

I do treasure the memory of that trip, though. Tuvok and I made a great team. And the Doctor now is "Footloose and Fancy Free." I just love the new nickname Rain gave him. Mr. Leisure Suit is just as good as some of the names he's come up with on his own.

It's funny. I was going back over my log before I started dictating this entry, and I found something I slipped into the entry after we met Amelia Earhart and Fred Noonan on the Briorii world. How the only thing that would be better than meeting them would be to go back to the 20th century myself. I thought that was absolutely impossible. And here we did it, and got "home" besides.

But we had to come back, for some reason that only that Captain Braxton and the Time Patrol, or whatever they are, knows about. Whatever it is, I hope it's a good one. It would have been nice to be one of the smartest guys in the room for once. I probably would have been, if I'd been able to stay there.

But, never piloting a starship again would not have been nice. And life would have been _really_ tough for B'Elanna, Tuvok and Vorik, Neelix and Kes, the Bolians, and all the Bajorans on board. They sure wouldn't have fit in. Hell, even humans who "weren't our kind" had it tough back then.

I'm glad I'm back here on _Voyager_, and back in the Delta Quadrant.

I just hope Rain Robinson had a happy life after we left her. Found a nice guy who appreciated old monster movies and liked to watch sci-fi on television. She deserved it.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50467.4 _

Sick. Sick as a dog. Even B'Elanna with her redundant stomachs was sick. Afterwards, the Doctor called those things "macroviruses." I think he could have been a little more precise. I think Macro-disgusting-viruses would be a better name. I don't remember what the word for disgusting is in Latin, but I think Federation Standard works just fine.

Those things must have been auditioning for an appearance in a monster movie holoprogram. If the crew wouldn't be so turned off, I'd use them. Maybe I'll put them into the archive buffer, just in case I need something really disgusting for a future program.

Anyway, I was glad my cooking wasn't the reason we all got so sick. Thanks to our Captain "Action Kate" Janeway and her trusty special phaser rifle, we were saved before those Tick-Tack-Tock aliens, or whatever their names are, wiped out Voyager.

At least, if I had to hang out in the Mess Hall, feeling so sick, I was glad I was there with B'Elanna. This morning, after we were cured and felt well enough to eat again, we met there for a meal. No plain tomato soup or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for me today. We both had plain, hot chicken broth with crackers. Not exactly a romantic meal. It wasn't exactly a date, but I'll take it. Under the circumstances, it was a feast. We both managed to keep everything we ate down our respective stomachs, the redundant ones like B'Elanna's, and my unredundant one.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50460.9 _

We were supposed to meet Harry at the Resort tonight for the luau. I was wearing my genuine Big Daddy-O Surf Special Hawaiian shirt. Or a replicated genuine . . . etc. B'Elanna wore a really cute little sundress. I don't usually notice that sort of thing, but in that dress, her shoulders and upper back were bare, and I could see the faint pattern of her backbone under the skin. It's not fully Klingon, but it's not quite human, either. I told her she looked smashing in that dress. Really, she looked good enough to eat in that dress.

Maybe I should rephrase that.

Nah. She did look that good. I don't care if there are sexual connotations with that comment. It was all I could do from putting my arms around her and giving her a great big kiss, right in the middle of the resort. In front of everybody.

Too bad that friendly get-together between Harry, B'Elanna and I never came off. Vorik snatched B'Elanna away from me. He'd picked out a table for two, with a view she likes. I have to hand it to Vorik. He had it all planned out well in advance. He'd interrogated B'Elanna about her preferences while they were in engineering. She was flattered enough by his thoughtfulness to go with him, and not stick with me.

I didn't have Harry around for long, either. He's got a thing for this non-sentient holodeck character Marayna, who's the entertainment director of the resort. I told him it happens. He'll get over it eventually. (I almost told him about the Sainte Claire program, and Brigitte, but I caught myself in time. I could have mentioned Ricky instead, I suppose Harry's heard me say enough about her to know why she's in the Sandrine's program.)

At any rate, Harry got pretty irritated and stalked back to his quarters after seeing Tuvok hanging with Marayna at the resort luau. Maybe Tuvok is thinking of using her to help him out with his next seven-year-itch. It's bound to come sooner or later. With his wife so far away in the Alpha Quadrant, he'll be needing a substitute, I gather. I'm really curious about how that goes, but I doubt Tuvok will ever let me in on the Big Vulcan Secret. It has to do with having sex every seven years, I know that. The Vulcans I've known clam up if you ask them about it. If the _Exeter_ didn't have to speed to Vulcan to get Ensign Sidrar home that time, I wouldn't even know that much.

Once every seven years? I'm glad I'm not a Vulcan, that's for sure. Although, if things keep going the way they are on this ship, I'm going to know exactly what that feels like. It's been way too long for me. Not seven years yet, but if the drought continues . . .

_(audible sigh)_

I had an early night. I drank a sugary concoction with an umbrella in it, and ate a little Polynesian-a-la-Neelix food, but then I was bored to tears and left to hang out in my quarters by myself.

No, I wasn't so much bored as pissed. Vorik was with B'Elanna. I wasn't. What else is there to say? There isn't anyone else on this ship like her. And she preferred a Vulcan to me. Obviously, I'm nothing like James T. Kirk, even though I tried to make people think I was when I first came on board. I may have to get into holodeck babes again myself.

Personal Log, you can take that any way you want to. Sexual connotations be damned.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50470.9 _

Not much to report today about me. I asked Torres out to dinner, and she said sorry, she's working on a plan to refit the warp core coils whenever we can find a supply of gallicite somewhere. That's not too likely any time soon. It's a very rare mineral.

It's so nice to be shot down because the woman you've asked out chooses work over you. I'm feeling so special now.

Speaking of special, Harry's love wasn't a hologram after all, but a lonely alien who wanted Tuvok to stay with her in that nebula. We know it should have dispersed decades ago. Marayna (don't know if that's her real name, but that's the one she went by on the holodeck) has been keeping the reactions damped down so it doesn't burn out. I don't know why her people can't more than one person at a time on that station. Even if it isn't too big, they could put a happily married couple there, or something. Tuvok said he told her he was a married man with children, and he needs to get back to them. He also suggested that Marayna ask to be relieved from her duties for a while. Take a vacation, make contact with her own people.

I understand completely about how lonely Marayna must be. I'm on a ship with a hundred and fifty other people, and I'm pretty lonely right now. I hope she has more luck getting someone interested in her than I seem to be having with B'Elanna.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50487.6 _

Ah, yes. Another day in the Delta Quadrant. Another trip to the slammer. This time, it was the Station Manager of the Nekrit Expanse Space who tossed me into jail. With Chakotay, no less. Getting thrown into jail might have been a first for him. I didn't ask him. I was too upset by the whole situation to want to talk much.

At this rate, I'll have gotten myself thrown into prison as many times as Chakotay's crashed shuttles.

That's not fair, I guess. Chakotay's still up on me with the number of shuttle crashings.

At least my stays in jail are getting shorter. This time it was only for a couple of days. It was a little scary when Bharat told us the punishment for trafficking in illicit substances is fifty years in cryostasis. And we weren't even guilty! Of course, the Akritirians weren't going to let us go even when the captain got proof Harry and I weren't guilty. Bahrat let us go after Neelix did the right thing. He helped them catch the real culprits.

Neelix will be scrubbing the plasma manifolds with a toothbrush for the next two weeks for his part in the illegal activities his so-called friend Wixiban pulled him into. The captain could have left Neelix on the station. She was really mad at him, but I don't think she'd really have left him there. The thing that saved him for sure was that he was trying to get a map to help us get through or around the Nekrit Expanse more safely.

That "Wixi," now. He's one Talaxian I'm _NOT_ sorry to have left behind.

I've done a lot of things since Caldik Prime I'm not proud to remember. Most of my escapades involved imbibing way too much liquor or allowing myself to be sexually exploited to get the hell away from whatever hellhole I'd found my way into. Any way to make a buck-almost any way. I never got involved with smuggling or dealing in illicit substances, I'm happy to say. Not so Neelix, we've come to find out.

At dinner, before he picked up his toothbrush to work through Gamma Shift, Neelix and I talked a bit more about his checkered history. After what happened on Rynax, he did things-some with this Wixiban guy- he admits shouldn't have done. Then he tried to apologize to me for putting me down in the past, when he was pretending to Kes he'd never done anything wrong. I told him not to worry about it. The past is the past. You can't change it. You have to just live with it and try, every day, not to fall into the same bad habits again. I told him I have to remind myself of that every day. Whenever I feel tempted to do the easy, dumb thing instead of the harder but smart thing. He thanked me very sincerely for sharing that with him. I hope it made him feel a bit better.

I've come to appreciate Neelix for his good qualities. He's actually been through a rougher time than I have. I don't know what my dad will say to me when we finally get home, but I know my mom and sisters will be overjoyed to see me again. Neelix has nobody. His whole family died in the Metreon Cascade, and he doesn't have a relationship with Kes anymore to fill the empty spaces in his heart.

I have to think his break-up with Kes had a lot to do with his getting snared into this whole thing with Wixiban, too. Neelix was so devoted to her. I thought the feeling was mutual, and he did too. I guess we were both wrong. It could be that the jealousy and possessiveness he'd shown over the years finally got to be too much for her.

Obviously, Neelix wasn't thinking things through. He was actually afraid the captain would put him off the ship because he couldn't be our "guide" anymore. He lost faith in the captain's capacity for compassion. He projected his anxieties and fears onto her. He was really feeling bad about himself.

See, Dr. Andersen, I did learn something from you in all those "rehabilitation" sessions when you were shrinking my head (figuratively speaking only, of course) back in Auckland. Too bad it's not likely you'll ever find out that I did.

Well, once he's finished with the scrubbing, I hope we can find something for Neelix to do that will make him feel more positive about himself. The way Kes has been acting around the men on this ship since their break-up isn't going to help.

It's funny. Kes came on to me today. She literally invaded my personal space, got all chummy. Her voice was pitched even lower than it usually is, and she shot me a couple of come-hither looks that would have prompted an embarrassing reaction in my nether regions a couple of years ago. Back then, before Neelix and I had our bonding moment with the little baby dinosaur (or whatever he was), I'd have picked up on the hints Kes was floating my way (not to mention the pheromones), and I would have acted on them. I would have asked her out for a date for sure. I didn't, and I know why.

Blue-eyed blondes with breathy voices are really lovely. Kes is certainly a beautiful woman, even if she is only three years old. However, I can't get a certain dark-eyed, dark-haired, half-Klingon engineer out of my mind. My fantasies now are all about hot and painful Klingon love. As long as I've got a dermal regenerator handy and the Doc to patch me up from the more exotic after-effects of a wild Klingon mating (and wouldn't he just have the best time ragging me while doing the healing after that!), I'm ready, willing, and able to stay away from anybody else's overtures.

It's not likely I'll ever get the chance, of course. B'Elanna has made it really clear she wants to be friends, and only friends, with me. _(audible sigh)_

I'll get over my latest crush eventually. It's not going to be easy. B'Elanna is so . . . how can I put this? . . . invigorating. That's it. She makes every other woman on this ship-even Captain Janeway - seem pallid in comparison. Well, except when the captain glares at you. She's not pallid then! But Kes. No. As long as B'Elanna is around and not mated with anyone else, I won't give up complete hope. And with that possessiveness Klingons have towards their mates, as long as I have any hope at all about having something more with B'Elanna, I can't fool around with anyone else. I have to be careful. Be smart, just like I told Neelix today.

Who would guess that _Voyager's_ "walking hormone," as Neelix called me a couple of years ago, would ever come to this?

Okay, Personal Log. You want to call me a hopeless romantic, go right ahead. I guess I am one.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50537.5_

Just a quick entry right now. It's amazing. We discovered gallicite on long range scans. B'Elanna is going to get her wish to refit the warp coils! She remembered that I have experience rock climbing, so she asked me to come as one of her team. Yes, ma'am! It might not be a date, exactly, since we won't be going down alone, but it's not going to be a boring, routine away mission. I'm looking forward to having some fun for a change.

I'm really glad the captain remembered Neelix worked in mining colonies and suggested he come along, too. This might be exactly what he needs to feel better about himself again, post-Kes. B'Elanna has tabbed Vorik to come along on the mission, too, I heard.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50538.1 _

Not a boring, routine away mission.

I can't even begin to express how accurate that statement was. I don't know if I've blown my chances with B'Elanna for all time by dragging my feet when she needed my help or assured myself that we can at least stay friends. I have no idea what is going through her head right now.

Well, maybe I do. If looks could kill, Ensign Vorik would be stretched out in a photon torpedo casing right now. B'Elanna threw him off the team before we ever set foot on the Sakari colony world, but he showed up anyway. I would love to be hanging around Engineering the next time he comes on duty when B'Elanna's there. We might still need that photon torpedo casing.

And if ever there was a log entry I wanted to get right, this is it.

When B'Elanna appeared in the transporter room as we were getting ready to go down to the planet, she was talking a mile a minute about the mission. Neelix and I exchanged a look, because both of us were stunned. She was very . . . aggressive. That's what she was. She challenged me about how we planned to proceed, and I remember saying . . . oh, man, after what happened in those tunnels . . . I told her we would be fine as long as we took it slow and easy.

Talk about double meanings! Honestly, how could I know what that would sound like now, in the context of what was about to happen?

We went down, and when Neelix and I wanted to check out the surface ruins a bit, she challenged us again about the delay. She accused me of overstating my experience with rock climbing. So we went directly on to the cave entrance and set up our lines to go down to the levels we thought the gallicite ore would be located. Neelix's anchor must have been defective; it malfunctioned. His line came free, and when he went into freefall, he took B'Elanna down, too.

I was frantic when I saw them both fall. Forget "slow and easy." I released my line and flew down to the floor of the cave. I'm lucky I didn't break my own ankle. Neelix did break his leg. B'Elanna managed to roll as she was hitting the rock floor, so although she had some scrapes and bruises, they were superficial compared to Neelix's broken leg.

B'Elanna went berserk. Maybe she's been that bad before on _Voyager_- she did break Carey's nose that time-but I'd never seen her like that before. She screamed at Neelix, and when I tried to calm her down, she bit me on the cheek. It hurt. And it was scary, too, because she was growling when she bit me. I didn't think about what it could mean at the time. I was too worried about her when she stormed off to find the gallicite on her own. Neelix needed my help, so I had no choice but to stay. I called the bridge and explained what had happened.

There was a little delay, which I attributed to the fact that the crew had to assemble a rig to hoist Neelix up to where the transporters would work. The rock formation, with the gallicite in them, prevented us from transporting directly into those tunnels.

When Chakotay and Tuvok finally came down to help me hook Neelix up to the rig, Tuvok explained the real reason for the delay, and why Vorik wasn't part of our away team. He is undergoing the Vulcan _pon farr_, and he attacked B'Elanna in Engineering. B'Elanna slugged him and dislocated his jaw. The Doc confined Vorik to quarters because of his medical condition. Tuvok said he's trying to meditate away his overpowering urge to mate.

Oh, yea. I wondered about that every seven year thing? Well, now I know more than I ever wanted to know about it, including the fact that Vulcans-and now B'Elanna-could die if they don't take a mate or fight their way out of it, either physically or through meditation. Now I know why the _Exeter_ flew Sidrar to Vulcan so abruptly. It really is a life or death situation. That old combination of sex and violence. Charming. It's a wonder there are any Vulcans around under those circumstances. Most of them must fight better than Vorik does. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After we did what we needed to do to move Neelix to safety, the three of us looked for B'Elanna. We found her in a tunnel with gallicite in it. Not ore, though. The gallicite had been refined into active energy conduits. We found the guys who do the refining, too. We may not have been able to detect any signs of life beforehand, but there certainly are people down there. The survivors of the colony have been hiding out for decades from whoever it was who destroyed their colony on the surface. B'Elanna's erratic behavior did not go unnoticed by these Sakari guys, who were already very suspicious of our motives. Once we showed them our phaser and tricorders, they were starting to accept we didn't have any bad intentions towards them. The last thing we needed right then was to have any tunnels collapsing on us because of seismic tremors.

You guessed it. The walls came a-tumbling down. The Sakari guys disappeared, taking Chakotay and Tuvok with them. B'Elanna and I stumbled around in those tunnels for a while. We got trapped inside one area. Tuvok and Chakotay found us and were able to pull the loose rocks down to get us out. We managed to get out of the tunnels, but we had to wait because of technical difficulties before communications and transport was restored, for about a half hour or so. I did the best to comfort B'Elanna until we were able to get back on board . . .

What am I doing here? I'm acting like I'm dictating my official log of the incident, a bare bones account that scrubs out all the really important stuff so no one will ever figure out the full story. That's ridiculous. These are my own personal logs. If I can't be honest here, I have no reason at all to ever bother with a personal log again.

The truth is, something big did happen down there, and something even more important would have happened if that bastard of a _PetaQ_ Vorik hadn't interrupted us.

The best way to resolve the _pon farr_, according to Tuvok, is sex. B'Elanna wanted me. In retrospect, I could see all of those challenges she was making when we started out were prompted by Vorik's attempt to mate with her, which infected her with the same "blood fever" he was experiencing. Except B'Elanna hadn't wanted him.

She wanted me.

I had no idea, and really still don't know, if she came onto me in the tunnels because she really is attracted to me, or if it was simply the _pon farr_ speaking. She needed to resolve it, and she wanted me to "do" her. And when we were alone down there, after we fought over the gun, and I told her our fight was about sex, not the gun, I didn't give in. Oh, I couched it in noble terms. I told her that she'd made it clear she didn't really want me that way. I didn't want to ruin our friendship by doing something we would both regret in the morning. Yadda yadda yadda. Total bullshit.

And, crazed by a "chemical imbalance" or not, B'Elanna saw right through my bullshit. She called me on all those longing looks I'd been giving her when we were in the holodeck resort and the mess hall. She threw my requests to go out for dinner - the ones she's been refusing - right back in my face. She said she knew I had feelings for her, and she demanded to know why, of all times, I'd play hard to get when she was offering me what I really wanted.

Of course she was right. I had to admit it. But I told her I didn't want to take advantage of her when she wasn't herself. And then she started kissing me, and I almost fell apart.

Those damned away team suits are skin tight. When she started kissing me I got such a hard on, I was in complete agony. Did I want to take her right there on the rocks? When a wall could fall on us at any time? Hell, yes. But I stopped. I don't know how I managed it, but I did, because it really was for her own good. I did have to protect her from her own impulses at that moment. She wasn't herself right then, and yeah, she would have hated me afterwards.

She got angry then, and when I asked her if I had suddenly become irresistible (or something like that - I don't remember exactly how I said it), she said she wouldn't go that far. That lightened the mood for a little while. We managed to travel a little farther along, but we were still lost. Then another quake came, and we were trapped in a small area of the tunnels. By this time, B'Elanna was in pretty bad shape. She said she felt like she was ready to crawl out of her own skin.

I let her rest for a while. I tried to pull down some of the rocks blocking our way through, but I had to be careful. The last thing I needed to do was pull them all down on B'Elanna and me. I didn't want to find another way to resolve the _pon farr - _by getting crushed to death by a rock fall. Not something I want on my résumé.

For a while I watched her while she slept. Scraped and bruised, sweaty and flushed from the blood fever though she was, B'Elanna Torres was ravishingly beautiful. In that cave, I realized my feelings for B'Elanna Torres are no crush. I'm in love with her. I understood my real reason for refusing to along with what she wanted from me. I didn't want to ruin that love by fucking her under these absurd circumstances, because fucking her is all it would have been. She _WOULD_ have hated me in the morning, and I don't want her to hate me. She's too precious to me for that. I want to make love with B'Elanna, over and over again. For years, if God and Kahless and the fucking Delta Quadrant ever let me.

When she woke up, I became really concerned. I'd wanted to avoid hurting B'Elanna by having sex with her when she asked me to, but now I was afraid I may have let things go for far too long. She was so out of it. She still thought we were looking for gallicite. She didn't remember anything I'd told her about the _pon farr_. I started to sweat, thinking she might die because I'd been overly cautious and thinking about a long-term relationship with her. I hadn't had the chance to ask Tuvok how long someone could have this blood fever without resolving it before death became imminent. The way she looked and sounded, I was afraid that might be closer than I'd thought. If B'Elanna had died when I could have avoided it by giving in to her, I'd have another death on my conscience. This one would be even worse than the others at Caldik Prime because it was so preventable.

That's when I heard sounds on the other side of the blocked tunnel. Chakotay and Tuvok were there. With the three of us working, we were able to open a way for B'Elanna and me to get out without pulling the roof down on our heads. The Sakari had told Chakotay how to get back to the surface, and we came out onto a lush green landscape. I figured we would be able to contact _Voyager_ now, and get B'Elanna back to the ship. She'd be fine.

But we couldn't make contact, and Tuvok didn't like what he saw of B'Elanna's symptoms any more than I did. He told me I had to help her or she would die. Put that way, I could no longer resist doing what I'd wanted to do the entire time we were stuck in that cave. Hell, what I've wanted to do with her for months-maybe even years. I still didn't care for the circumstances; but I hoped, once her symptoms were resolved, I could tell her how I felt about her, to prevent her from pulling away from me in disgust that I'd allowed myself - and her - to be used that way. I know exactly what B'Elanna would have done. From her mortification over the whole situation, she'd turn it around. In her mind, I'd have been the one using her for sex when she wasn't really herself.

No time for any fastidiousness now. We went off into the glade.

Now, if I do say so myself, I'm extremely well-versed in many ways of pleasuring a human woman. I am perfectly capable of performing admirably in the bedroom with females of other species than my own, and I've done it in other places, too, like on hammocks, in a forest clearing, on the beach, under a boardwalk, and . . . well. I've been around the block plenty of times. But this was B'Elanna, and she had already gone all Klingon on me when she bit me. She'd tasted my blood, and taken my scent. Oh, yeah. She said all those things to me when she was trying to get me to take her in the tunnels.

I am acquainted with some Klingon mating practices, but I'd never exactly studied the subject. This would be my first time with a Klingon or half-Klingon. I knew a few things, like they like to throw heavy objects at you, preferably catching you in the clavicle to break it and "bless" the mating. They growl a lot, and yeah, they bite. That much I'd already experienced. When I asked B'Elanna for a little direction in what she'd like me to do for her, she got frustrated and threw me on the ground. She said she wanted me to show her I was enjoying myself.

Well, my body took care of that for me. I got a massive boner, and with the way she was straddling me, she could feel it. We both laughed, because then, I got it. We were going to roll around that grassy spot and really get it on. It didn't matter if it was Klingon-style or human-style, it would do the trick. I'd save her life, and then, with any luck, I'd get a chance to do the romantic talk I'd hoped for, so it wouldn't be a one night stand. One day stand. It was full daylight . . .

We didn't get to the fun part, because that bastard Vorik showed up, insisting B'Elanna was his mate. He was going to punch me out to win her away from me. I know Vulcans are stronger than humans, but adrenaline was rushing through me when he said that. He's smaller than me, too. I know I would have beaten him.

B'Elanna, however, was even angrier than I was. Sitting here now, I can't blame her. Vorik had done this to her, and she wanted to make him pay. Hell, he'd disabled the communication and transporter systems on _her_ ship. He'd disabled the shuttles, too, so no one could rescue us until he'd gotten what he'd wanted - to claim his mate. Who wouldn't be claimed. She wanted me instead.

Tuvok told me about the . . ._ koala _. . . _koona _. . . okay, I have to look that one up. I can't remember exactly what that Vulcan phrase is, but it's the fight challenge Tuvok had mentioned in the tunnels. Tuvok told Chakotay it would be best if we let the fight happen.

B'Elanna beat Vorik. I can't say I was surprised. B'Elanna is simply amazing in whatever she does. When Vorik couldn't get up for another round, I guess it meant he wouldn't have been able to get it up to take her as his mate, either. I didn't ask Tuvok about that. He was mortified enough at letting me know all I did know about the _pon farr_ by this point. I'd wanted to know about the Big Vulcan Sex Secret. Now it was a matter of _way_ too much information.

After she'd laid out Vorik, B'Elanna collapsed into my arms. She'd done a job on the Vulcan, but he'd managed to beat up on her pretty badly, too. I remembered my field medic training. Kept her immobile while Tuvok checked her over. He determined the fight had purged her of the blood fever. Neither of us could detect any serious physical damage to her. Chakotay examined Vorik and came to the same conclusion with him. I cradled B'Elanna in my arms while Chakotay and Tuvok reestablished communications and arranged transportation back to _Voyager_. Vorik stayed on the ground. I had no desire to help him at all. The jerk had done enough. He deserved to suffer.

I couldn't decide if I was relieved or depressed that we hadn't been able to resolve the _pon farr_ the way it's supposed to be resolved, with sex. If we had "done the deed," she might be grateful I'd come to her rescue. Then again, maybe she would never want to speak to me again. I can honestly say I don't know which way it would have gone. I do know I would have been happy to have saved her life, no matter what the repercussions were, if it had come to that. If she'd been really ticked off at me and humiliated, I still might have been able to get back into her good graces someday. I'd have been willing to do anything I could to get there.

After Carey repaired one of the transporters, we beamed back to the ship. Chakotay and Tuvok whisked B'Elanna away to Sickbay, to have the Doc check her over and treat her abrasions. I tried to visit her, but the Doc and Tuvok wouldn't let me in. Later, Kes came by my quarters and scanned me. I told Kes there was nothing wrong with me, but she insisted anyway, "for the medical record." Later on, though, Tuvok was kind enough to come to my quarters. He told me B'Elanna and Vorik would both be fine (not that I cared what happened to Vorik at that moment, but I was relieved to hear about B'Elanna). Tuvok also explained that the real reason they'd sent Kes to examine me was to make sure B'Elanna hadn't given _ME_ the blood fever when she bit me.

Now, if that had happened, no scans would have been needed. There wouldn't have been a fight with Vorik. The _PetaQ_ would have to live with the fact that I'd mated with B'Elanna, and he'd have had to resolve his _pon farr_ with somebody else. Because there is no way I could have held off from mating with her in the tunnels if I was feeling the way B'Elanna was. And afterwards . . .

I happen to know that Klingons have a tradition of mating for life. I would have held B'Elanna to that.

I would have tried to hold her to it. I know B'Elanna's not exactly fond of her Klingon side. Maybe I can help her work on appreciating that aspect of herself, because it is just wonderful to see. Spectacular. Dynamic.

What can I say? I'm in love again, and this time, I never want to fall out of love.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50541.6 _

Well, finally, we talked today. Not for long. Just a short ride in the turbolift. At first we talked about nothing substantial. The Sakari had given us enough gallicite for the refit in return for information about removing the remnants of their colony on the surface, and helping them hide themselves even more thoroughly in the caverns. She said the refit would be done by the end of the week. And then we said nothing for several awkward moments, until I halted the turbolift. There was no way I was going to let B'Elanna slide away from talking about what had happened when I had her as my captive audience in the 'lift.

She tried to tell me she didn't really mean what she'd said about being attracted to me. Thanks for being willing to help her, and all. More yadda, yadda, yadda bullshit. I didn't buy it. I could see it in her eyes. She was lying to me. B'Elanna really does care for me. She just can't admit it. Yet.

I told her that her Klingon side wasn't so scary, now that I'd seen it up close. And it isn't. I wasn't lying to her. It's exciting. She's exciting! But, it's just like I feared when she wouldn't let me come to see her in Sickbay. She was so upset by everything that happened, she wants to pretend it didn't happen at all. It did happen. I'm glad it happened. I told her so. I said I wanted to see her Klingon side again someday. (Preferably when Vorik is locked up in the brig, although I didn't mention that to her.)

She didn't respond to me. No declarations of love, even if I could see it in her eyes. It was time for me to back off again, let her take the lead.

We restarted the turbolift. When she got off at her level, though, as she was walking away, she suddenly said, "Be careful what you wish for, Lieutenant," without even turning around to look back in my direction.

At first I wasn't sure I'd heard what I thought I heard. Then it was like she'd punched me in the gut. Now I'm thinking maybe she _DID_ make a declaration of love, and I was too dense to realize it.

I'm willing to wait to find out. I have a hunch I'll be able to tear down that stone wall around B'Elanna Torres' hearts someday, sooner rather than later. If I don't, I'll probably die trying.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Personal Log Addendum_

I'd barely finished my log entry before Captain Janeway called us into the conference room. She had just returned from the surface of the planet after Chakotay called her down to meet him there. He had something he needed to show her. While our teams were helping the Sakari clear away the last of the ruins, they discovered the identity of the destroyers of the Sakari colony.

It's the Borg.

We're to behave as if we are on yellow alert at all times for the immediate future.

I caught B'Elanna glancing my way when the captain announced this news. It looks like we've got a lot more to worry about than sex-crazed Vulcans screwing up our love lives.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50617.3 _

When we found that long-dead Borg drone in the ruins of the Sakari world, Captain Janeway thought we were coming into Borg space. Clearly, we have, even if it's "Ex Borg" space so far.

We had a memorial service for Ensign Marie Kaplan this afternoon. No body, of course. A bunch of the former Borg on that planet, the ones that attacked Chakotay and Kaplan, apparently tore her body apart. Why, we don't know. A throwback to their Collective days, maybe? Destroy whatever you can't assimilate?

We only know that when we tried to retrieve Marie's body, we couldn't find her.

Riley Frazier and her cohorts weren't all that much better. Yeah, they saved Chakotay's life, but they also possessed his consciousness and used that connection they made to heal him to force him to do what they wanted. The captain was really upset with him, I think. Disappointed, I should say, because he stole a shuttle at Riley's bidding to turn on the part in the Borg cube that Riley _SAID_ would help them bring peace to the former Borg on that planet. As long as they stay put, fine. Let them be a "cooperative." The last thing we need is for any newly-created Borg running around in our vicinity. At least Riley had the decency to blow up the cube after Chakotay flew away in the shuttle. Of course, she probably did it to keep any other Borg from looking for them.

One good thing did come out of this experience. We'd retrieved a Borg drone's body from the derelict cube before it was blown up, and the Doc, Kes, and B'Elanna completed a post mortem on the corpse. They're discovering a lot of things about how drones work. They've been checking out those tubule things in their hands that they use to assimilate people with nanoprobes. They're mapping out what the different kinds of implants do. The Doc was able to speculate a bit on how their personal neural network works. He's collected a bunch of nanoprobes to experiment with, to see if he can turn them against the Borg. Or maybe use them to help with healing us, like Federation nanite technology does.

Who knows? Maybe we'll be able to use that information to defend ourselves against them some day.

Whistling in the graveyard? Maybe. But we've gotta have hope, right?

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50799.9 _

Gotta hand it to the Doc. He's trying to be more human than the humans on board. Not that I have a right to say anything if he wants to explore more about "real life" situations.

He came to me to discuss his plans for this new family program he's creating for himself. He says he doesn't want me to program it. He's just using me "as a sounding board," he says. I think he really does want me to help him with the programming, but he's afraid I'll get all snarky about it. I don't know why he thinks that. I lent him my '57 Chevy on Mars program when he wanted to romance Dr. Pel, didn't I? And that was when I was being ordered by the captain to be snarky, when she was trying to catch the spy who turned out to be Michael Jonas. But I was never snarky with the Doc during that time. Snarkier than usual, I should say.

Okay, maybe I was just as snarky with him as I usually am-but I helped him with his "adaptive programming" whenever he asked me. With a minimum of snark. Usually.

The Doctor wants to explore family life, logically enough, by having a family. He's got the parameters all set: a nice wife, two kids (a girl and a boy, both brilliant, of course), and a suburban house right out of the television sit-down-coms (I'm not sure that's the right term, but it's something like that). Anyway, I tried to show him some of his options.

He's already picked out his family. He found wifey Charlene in one of the bodice-ripper holonovels Sue Nicoletti has on file. His daughter Belle's template came from the captain's old Victorian mystery holonovel. They've both been updated by the Doc to have a more contemporary look. I think he dug up Jeffrey from another one of the captain's old holonovels. The kid's hair is kind of funky because he came from a Dickens-themed program. His hair is definitely not Starfleet-standard short.

Now, the Doc, as we all know, is not too expert in the hairstyle department. He complains about being bald all the time. I have no idea why, unless it's because he likes to have something to complain about. All he has to do to get himself a nice head of hair is reprogram himself to have hair! I wish it would be that easy for me. I can see the old hairline getting higher and higher all the time. But I digress . . .

Anyway, what the Doc showed me looks pretty interesting. I did ask him if maybe he'd like to take Charlene to the '57 Chevy on Mars program first. Do some preliminaries _BEFORE_ the kiddies come. He got all offended at my "smarm."

Hey, I just thought he should have himself a good time before taking on the headaches of teenagers! After I made that suggestion, he told me he didn't need any "improper suggestions" from me. I could "butt out," he said.

I was only trying to help. I happen to know he's a fully functional hologram, so he's not kidding me about what he's really up to. Yeah, there are kids in that house, but there's also a very nice master bedroom, with a huge bed. He may be skipping some of the preliminaries-especially the messy diaper part-but I doubt he's going to completely ignore the marital relations part. More power to him, I say. Let the holoprograms get some up close and personal action!

It's more than I can say I'm getting from B'Elanna. Yet.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50836.2 _

This has been A DAY. I almost got killed trying to collect plasma particles in the wake of some astral eddies that erupt in this area of space. A big mother of an astral tornado almost collected me instead. The _Cochrane_ and I were thisclose to becoming shards of debris in that interfold layer. I'm sure glad the captain, Harry, and B'Elanna managed to pull me out of there in time. They even got the _Cochrane_ back!

While I was "engaging in this reckless activity," as the Doc put it, he was having a crisis of his own. He's been having a tough time in his family program since B'Elanna "tweaked" it to change his "lollipop" family into something closer to the real thing. B'Elanna told me she respected the fact he was hanging in there. But when I got back from making like the Wizard of Oz in the astral eddy tornado, he told me he wasn't going back to his program any more. He said he'd "finished" it.

From the way he was tearing into me, though, I knew there was more to this. For one thing, he'd only been going there for a few weeks. I found it hard to believe he'd fully explored family life in that amount of time. I was right. He'd run into something really tough. His little girl Belle was dying because of a head injury.

I felt bad for the Doc, but I knew condolences weren't called for here. I explained to him that we'd all like to avoid facing the pain of a loved one's death, but most of us can't do that. And if he didn't go back and help his wife and son deal with the loss of Belle, too, he'd miss out on what a family gives you: support and love in bad times as well as good times. Like our _Voyager_ family has done for us over the past three years that we've been cut off from our families in the Alpha Quadrant. If he didn't see it through, he'd miss the whole point of having a family.

He seemed to be listening to me, but I didn't want to beat him over the head with the logic of it. I left. I hope he takes my advice.

I came back here to my quarters to rest. Of course, instead of resting, all I could think of was how my parents and sisters must have felt when _Voyager_ was reported missing. They all think I'm dead. It's so frustrating not to be able to let them know that I'm not only alive, I'm actually doing a helluva lot better than they could possibly imagine, from the way I was the last time they saw me in the Alpha Quadrant. Yeah, our ship is alone out here. There's danger everywhere. We're heading further into Borg space every day, and we can only hope we'll get through without being assimilated.

But I've found really good friends here. I'm falling deeper in love every day with a wonderful woman. I hope maybe someday, if we can manage to stay alive out here long enough, creating a family is something I'll get to do for myself-and not one that's holographic, either. A real family, with a living, breathing Klingon/human hybrid who has captured my heart. Let me be honest with myself. I'm totally nuts about B'Elanna.

She was reading a Klingon romance novel today in the mess hall, before the whole astral eddy thing started. "Women Warriors at the River of Blood." I thought she left it behind when we were called to the bridge, but when I went back to the mess hall to pick up a snack before coming back here to quarters, it wasn't there. I guess B'Elanna remembered it and retrieved it after I was rescued. I know damn well she was on the bridge the entire time I was in danger. Harry confirmed that when he walked with me to Sickbay.

I looked for the novel in the Federation database. B'Elanna wasn't able to save much of her own stuff when she transported over here, just before the Maquis ship blew up. It was in the computer, just as I thought. I downloaded "Women Warrior at the River of Blood" (love that title!) into a PADD. It's a freebie, fortunately, since I'm flat out of replicator credits.

So, while I'm nibbling on a private dinner of Pleeka Rind and Grub Meal casserole, one of my least favorite entrées, I'll divert myself from the crappy taste by doing research into how to please a Klingon woman. B'Elanna laughed at me when I said the novel could be a technical manual. When she ran through the requirements, though, it fits! It certainly will tell me more about "specializing in a particular system." Mainly, hers. I think that tickled her, too. She was almost purring when she told me she couldn't promise not to put a dagger in my throat.

Some women love the romantic blather I like to say I'm an expert in-but really suck at. Others like you to talk dirty to them when you're wooing them. If you want to court an engineer-talk technical to them. I learned that in the Academy! And if you want to sweep a Klingon off her feet-start swinging a bat'leth. That much I knew even before reading my techie manual in the art of Klingon love.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Personal Log Addendum_

B'Elanna contacted me right before I went to bed. The Doctor did go back to his family program. His family was all together when Belle "died." When the captain heard about it (I don't know how, but she always seems to find out about everything), she told the Doc she would be willing to hold a memorial service for Belle on the holodeck tomorrow. He agreed. B'Elanna asked me if I wanted to go with her. I told her yes, of course.

I'm glad the Doc followed my advice. It's going to be strange having a service like this for a holodeck character, but it's the right thing to do. I hope he doesn't give up on the program now. The mourning process is just that. It's a process. It takes time to deal with grief. The Doc somehow is getting to be as human as all of us on _Voyager_. I hope he has the guts to stay with it. It can only help him in his work as a healer. It's not only bodies that have to be put back together. Psyches, too. If anyone knows that, it's me.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50887.4 _

A lot has happened over the past few days. Not much of it very good. We didn't exactly lose _Voyager_ this time, but we might as well have. We're trapped inside a humongous star ship. The "City Ship," the Voth call it. They're not saying anything to us about what's going to happen to us, but with the advanced technology they possess, it's pretty clear. If the Voth don't let us go, we'll be stuck here for the rest of our lives. And the way the ones guarding us have been talking, that may not be for very long.

We're going to be the focus for some sort of trial. They haven't told us the particulars-only that Chakotay is going to speak for our crew in front of the chief minister of the Voth, elsewhere on the City Ship. Captain Janeway demanded to be allowed to speak, too, but the minister who has us under guard said there was no need. He was pretty insulting. The term "kangaroo court" comes to mind.

The captain is fit to be tied, and she might as well be. Captain Janeway and Tuvok are both confined to quarters. The Voth only let them out for meals in the mess hall, and they're always under guard. They are both completely cut off from any computer access. No comm access, either. They are allowed PADDs for "amusement," but one of us must bring them what they want to read. Needless to say, the Voth check over the PADDs before they're handed over to make sure there's nothing in them that could help them escape, or even to plan an escape. We know, because Harry slipped in a couple of rather innocuous references, just to see if the Voth could pick them up. They did. Like I said, they're technology is really impressive. Too bad they don't seem to like us too much. They could possibly ferry us home, if they were a bit more friendly. B'Elanna is sure they have transwarp capabilities, from what the guards have let slip.

I'm under guard, too. I guess it's because I fought back and set up our weapons array in a bid to shoot our way out. Once they knew, though, the Voth froze everything. I'm kind of glad they stopped me. If I was able to damage their City Ship in any way, I have a hunch I wouldn't be in any shape to make a personal log entry. Maybe there wouldn't even be a _Voyager_ any more. Yes, their technology is that good.

Since the second day we were in custody, they've allowed me a little more freedom. That's due, partly, to the fact they've allowed me to work shifts in Sickbay in relief of Kes. They took away the Doc's mobile emitter. If there's an injury or illness anywhere on the ship, Kes or I do the triage. The Voth have control over the transporters. If they decide it's not enough of an emergency, the crew member must walk to Sickbay. Fortunately, nothing serious has occurred yet, but it's a worry. What if I miss something critical? I'm only allowed access to the medical database when I'm physically in Sickbay. We had to beg the Voth to allow us a medical tricorder if we go to examine anyone.

When I'm off Field Medic duty, I'm locked out of anything but the literature database. Unlike the captain and Tuvok, I have some degree of computer access. I can download a story to a PADD by myself instead of needing to have someone else do it for me. The Voth allow me to go to the holodeck to visit either of the two programs that are running there, too. Most of the time, I go to Holodeck two, where the resort is running, to visit with B'Elanna, Harry, Neelix, and Kes-always under the watchful eyes of our dinosaurian guards, of course. Sandrines is running on Holodeck One around the clock. The entire crew is locked out of every other rec program right now, though.

Computer access isn't restricted quite as much for the rest of the crew. There's no access to critical systems, of course, but if B'Elanna and Harry really wanted to raise a ruckus, with their skills they could work around the limitations. Since we've got almost a hundred Voth guarding the crew at any given moment, and with Chakotay off _Voyager_, Harry and B'Elanna don't want to rock the boat. I have to agree. We don't want to antagonize our supposed "cousins" any more than we already have.

To keep our minds away from some Very Bad Things our "cousins" might do to us, I've been talking about building a new "Delta Quadrant Special" shuttle with B'Elanna, Harry, and Neelix. They all agree it would be great to build one that is bigger, sturdier, and faster than the types we have on board _Voyager_ right now. As B'Elanna said, "We have to build our replacements anyway. Why not do a proper job and design one that will hold up better under the conditions we find out here?" Of course, it will take some time to get it done, and we'll have to make sure to obtain all the raw materials we need before we start.

Right now, because I'm virtually shut out of the computer, I can't do any of the real planning, but Harry and B'Elanna do have access to the design programs,. Neelix and I brainstorm with them, which they put into the design plans. With any luck at all, we should have a better outcome with this project than the Warp 10 fiasco turned out to be.

The first bit of luck will be if the Voth let us go, so we have an opportunity to build the damn thing. Right now, that doesn't look all that promising.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50894.7 _

That was a close one. We're free. Our first officer impressed Professor Gegen, the originator of the "Distant Origin Theory." He found evidence that supports his contention that the Voth evolved on Earth as dinosaurs, most likely, hadrosaurs. There may not be any fossil record of hadrosaurs evolving far enough to achieve space flight, but there is evidence they had a social structure that was more sophisticated than many other species of dinosaur. They cared for their young in nests, for instance. An extended childhood suggests the parents protected and perhaps trained their young. Chakotay says the evidence of a more advanced civilization might still be on Earth, but underneath the sea or buried under many layers of rock.

We do know the Voth have 47 DNA markers which are the same as in human beings. That could be a coincidence, like the Voth "First Minister" insisted, although it's pretty unlikely there would be that many without some sort of relationship between our two species. Our database shows that many other species on Earth also have those same genetic markers. That's too much of a coincidence for us, and for Professor Gegen, too.

If Gegen continued to insist upon the rightness of his theory, the First Minister was going to trash _Voyager_ as obsolete garbage. Professor Gegen and our entire crew were to be imprisoned in a detention center for the rest of our lives. That would get us a "home," all right, but I tend to doubt we'd thrive there. For one thing, Chakotay told us the Voth have a prejudice against mammalian species. How well would they treat us, then? And if they destroyed _Voyager _and its computer, how would we keep our Doctor? I've done fairly well in my medical studies, and Kes is much farther along than I am, but without our medical database available, we'd both have a tough time taking care of our people.

So, the professor renounced his theory. He told Chakotay he couldn't live with the consequences of what would happen to us if he didn't knuckle under to the First Minister. Chakotay said he really liked Gegen, once he got to know him. He's over at Gegen's ship now, saying goodbye. I understand he brought over a pretty glass ball representation of Earth to give him as a souvenir.

I feel badly for the professor, and for his people too, for denying the truth of their history. They seem to be ashamed of it, for some reason. But I'm really happy we got out of that City Ship, even if the Voth did confiscate that cloaking device of Gegen's before we left. That could have come in real handy in the future.

I hope the Borg never assimilated any of the Voth. If the Borg have access to Voth technology, it would take a miracle for us to get all the way home.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Personal Log Addendum_

Professor Gegen did a very nice thing before we parted company with him. Much of the evidence supporting his theory was the skeleton of Hogan he found on Hanon IV. Gegen made a holographic recording of the entire skeleton, but he gave us most of Hogan's skeleton for us to bury. Along with pieces of Hogan's uniform, his rank insignia, and a couple of finger bones for DNA evidence, Gegen kept a copy of our entire database "for future generations." Someday, the Voth might have their "eyes opened" enough to recognize the truth of what Professor Gegen theorized.

We packed up Hogan's remains into a photon torpedo and had another memorial service for him. I understand Chakotay gave Gegen the trajectory of the torpedo after we sent it off into space. Since the Voth are so enamored of their "doctrine," Professor Gegen doubts he'll ever need to look for Hogan's remains in his own lifetime. If there is a change in attitude, and a future First Minister is willing to reopen Gegen's case, Hogan will be waiting out there to bear silent witness to the Voth's relationship to humanity. Under the circumstances, I don't think Hogan would mind.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50912.4 _

Okay. This time we _DID_ lose _Voyager_. The Nyrians snuck on board one by one, displacing our crew one by one, until they had our ship and we were stuck in a prison on a big ship heading nowhere. Captain Janeway never quits, though. We managed to get out of our "habitat," thanks to the captain and Tuvok.

B'Elanna and I did have our parts to play, but it was touch and go at times. If we never got out of our habitat, I wonder if B'Elanna and I would still have a chance for a relationship? We weren't getting along too well for a while.

To back up a bit, let me tell the whole story, because some of it dates back to when Professor Gegen and his assistant first came on board _Voyager_ to "observe" us. I never bothered to record that part in my log before. It didn't seem all that important.

Gegen told Chakotay that he had observed B'Elanna and me in "courting behavior." That would be funny if it wasn't so true-from my point of view, anyway. B'Elanna and I were arguing over whether a problem was caused by a malfunction in a plasma conduit or an anodyne relay. It was a friendly sort of debate. I made a bet with B'Elanna. If the anodyne relay was causing the problem, and I won, she couldn't back out of going with me to my new Klingon martial arts program again. She had to at least try it out. When we got to engineering, I was able to prove it _was_ the anodyne relay. I'd won our bet.

Of course, that's when the whole thing with the Voth blew up. For the next couple of days we were too busy with the professor's abduction of Chakotay and the Voth takeover to get a chance to go to the holodeck. The Voth wouldn't let me run my Klingon martial arts program during our captivity. Once we were free, neither of us was too interested in doing anything other than getting back into our normal routines. Well, that's not what happened. Really, whenever I suggested she come with me to the program, B'Elanna was "too tired." So I didn't push her. I was trying not to come on too strong, really!

Then, a couple of days ago, she weakened enough to say she'd try it out. It's a great physical training workout, really. I was ecstatic she was willing to try it.

Disaster. She hated it. She was waving that bat'leth around like she wanted to use it on me, just for making her try it. Then this seemingly weak little man appeared out of nowhere, complaining it was too cold and too bright, wanting to know why we'd abducted him. He thought B'Elanna was threatening him with the bat'leth (no, she was threatening me, but we didn't go into that at the time).

Anyway, that's how it started. One by one, our entire crew got stashed in the Nyrian's comfortable prison. Yes, once again, I landed in the slammer. And this time, the entire crew got slammed in with me.

While we were there and trying to figure a way to get out, Captain Janeway sent me to see B'Elanna and the Doc. B'Elanna was changing the Doc into a "tricorder" at the time. (See the official logs for that part of the story. I'm not bothering to put it in here.) Anyway, we were still being pretty tetchy at the time with each other, but B'Elanna apologized to me about getting so aggravated over the program. An olive branch! I was more than willing to take it. I admitted to being a little too pushy with her about trying it out, too. I thought everything was going to be all right.

Then the Doc opens his mouth about B'Elanna's defense mechanisms. And I was idiot enough to agree with him. Then B'Elanna got mad and pointed out that I had my own defense mechanisms. She said I made everything into a joke, pretending whatever happened didn't bother me. The Doc agreed with her, and I got all steamed up. We got into a nasty argument. She asked me, why did I keep trying to be her friend if it was so hard? I'm not sure exactly what I said then, but I know it was something like I wasn't going to bother to try any more, and I stalked off.

I was there to ask a simple work question, and basically, everything blew up in my face. I was sure I had ruined any chance of having my relationship with B'Elanna develop into anything more by uttering a few sentences spoken in anger, egged on by the Doc, I might add. B'Elanna had shut down his vocal subroutines about two minutes too late.

I went back to the captain to bring her the information I was sent to obtain. Then I found a cot in one of the back rooms in the habitat and tried to sleep. I couldn't. I tossed and turned all night. Why did I get so hostile towards her? Yes, she was getting hostile with me. She hates to admit it, but she does. I know that. I understand I have to be careful with her, because she's still having trouble accepting the part of her that is Klingon. She really doesn't understand how prickly she can be, or how that can hurt someone else. But I do understand. Hell, I'd had plenty of practice around Ro. She could be prickly, too. The difference, I now see, was that Ro Laren understood and accepted her Bajoran heritage. Ro had her demons, but they had nothing to do with being Bajoran. She didn't have to reconcile two very different cultural backgrounds, any more than I have to deal with being anything other than a human. I may fight against "the admiralty" part of my heritage, but that's family history, not genetics. I don't have any excuse for my failures and bad behavior, other than that I screw up so much.

B'Elanna doesn't know how to handle her double heritage. The way I reacted, I sure didn't help the situation any. I tortured myself all night long with "woulda, coulda, shoulda" scenarios about how I should have handled my apology to B'Elanna for being so pushy. I knew I should have ignored the Doc, who can be totally clueless about human behavior. His ability to recite facts uploaded into his database does not mean he really grasps the concepts, no matter what he thinks. I know that. Why was I so stupid? Why did I agree with him? A couple of ill-advised words, and the next thing I knew, B'Elanna and I were in a drag-out fight. It could be the end of all my hopes.

The next morning, I was exhausted, but I followed the Doc (vocal subroutines restored) and B'Elanna around when they went hunting for the way out of our comfortable but aggravating prison. When they found it, I was tabbed to go along with the captain, Tuvok, B'Elanna and this weird alien guy Jarlath, to see what we could find on the other side.

There were dozens of habitats, all different, as far as we could see. B'Elanna, Jarlath and I split away from Captain Janeway and Tuvok. The Nyrians caught on to us pretty fast, though. Jarlath, that whiner, decided he was too happy living in his own habitat to help us get away. He stayed behind to be recaptured by the Nyrians. B'Elanna and I sought refuge in something called the Argala habitat.

We didn't run into any Argala natives in there. Maybe they were hibernating or something, if anyone did live there now. It was an arctic environment, way too bright and frigid for the Nyrians. They sent their security people in after us, but they collapsed pretty quickly from the cold.

And I can't explain it any way other than brain freeze, but when two of the Nyrians collapsed right near us, we didn't grab their weapons! What were we thinking? We weren't thinking, that's what. But B'Elanna really was suffering terribly from the cold, and all I wanted then was to get away from the doorway into that habitat to avoid being captured again. Because of the frigid temperatures, I quickly realized we could only survive if we kept moving. We didn't dare try to escape to a pleasanter environment, because the Nyrians would just send us back to our own habitat (if they didn't decide to kill us for causing them too much trouble).

We walked for a while, but then B'Elanna said she couldn't keep on any longer. I ordered her to keep moving. When she fought me on it, I threatened to carry her. As independent as B'Elanna is, I figured anger would raise her body temperature, if nothing else! I put my arms around her to drag her along or, if necessary, fling her over my shoulder to carry her.

And that's when we were transported back to the Federation habitat.

Everyone laughed at us. I'm sure some of our crew mates who think they're funny are saying we took advantage of the fact that we were alone to snuggle up for sex, not warmth. I got ready for a Klingon punch from B'Elanna because I had humiliated her, but she didn't do anything to me. I was depressed, I admit, because I figured the Nyrians had won. Maybe she was, too.

Imagine our surprise when the captain announced that they had forced the Nyrians to give Voyager back to us. We found out later that Captain Janeway had learned how to use the Nyrian transporter. After sending us back to the Federation habitat, she'd whisked the head honchos of the Nyrians into that same Argala habitat we'd just left. She threatened to leave them there to freeze if they didn't agree to giving Voyager back to her.

The Nyrians may be clever, but at heart, they're cowards. Captain Janeway would have willingly allowed herself to freeze to death rather than give in, if she was on the other end of that threat. Of course, she would never have done anything as sneaky and underhanded as the Nyrians did to us in the first place, but you get my drift. The Nyrians caved in almost immediately.

We spent the next day imprisoning the Nyrians in one of their own habitats, carefully chosen to keep them warm without too much sun in the eyes. We contacted all of the other races whose citizens were trapped in their own prisons. There were over ninety habitats in all, I understand. Arrangements have been made with the other alien groups to pick up their people (a couple of them have already arrived to rescue their folks). Now that the Nyrian tactics are known to so many, I have a feeling they're not going to be able to steal people so easily again. That's if they have use of their fancy long range but low power transporter again. A couple of the species on their way to the habitat ship have already said they plan to destroy that technology. The Nyrians can probably rebuild it-if they aren't kept in prison themselves.

I wonder where they came from? They must have come from a planet somewhere. I'm willing to bet they're some sort of criminal element from a perfectly innocuous race, probably far from here.

At any rate, this evening after my shift was over I went to the Resort and sat in the (holographic) sun for a while. B'Elanna came in and took a seat on the loveseat next to me. The fact she was willing to sit right next to me was good. What made it even better is that she said that it was great to be warm again, because it was "chilly" there for a while. I got it. She wasn't talking about the temperature.

We had dinner together. Afterwards, I walked her to her quarters. For the last several steps, as we were approaching her door, she grabbed hold of my hand. On an impulse, I lifted her hand to my lips and gave her a very gentle kiss on the back of her hand. Sort of Sir Walter Raleigh style.

And for the first time since the Sakari caves, B'Elanna kissed me. On the lips. Nothing too passionate, but I got the message. We were back, maybe better than before.

I'm still kind of annoyed at the Doc for prodding us into that argument, but maybe it wasn't a totally bad thing. B'Elanna and I had a major disagreement. We uncovered some very unpleasant truths about each other, and now they're out in the open where we can deal with them. We've made up. I hope this means we'll go on to being even closer than before. I sure hope so. That little glimpse . . . well.

I've been dictating this log since 2340, and now it's past 0100 hours. I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get tonight, but at least it's not going to be a "woulda, coulda, shoulda" kind of night. I'm going to have much happier scenarios running through my mind tonight. Lots warmer scenarios. Passionate scenarios.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50940.8 _

Something weird happened today. I was waiting for B'Elanna at Neelix's resort. She was late, for the usual reason: there was a problem in engineering. Duh. What else is new? When Kes came into the resort and approached me, there was something in her manner that was a lot more familiar than usual. I was beginning to think I'd have to fend her off. Fortunately, B'Elanna swept in right after Kes did, apologizing profusely (as always) for being late. I gave her a kiss (which is about as much as B'Elanna lets me do-so far) when she got close to me.

Kes gave us the strangest look and said, "You must be B'Elanna." It was almost as if Kes had never met B'Elanna before! After that, Kes left us alone. She sat by herself at a table near ours.

B'Elanna and I had a very pleasant meal, discussing the new shuttle project we'd worked on while the Voth held Voyager captive. We both noticed Kes looking around constantly, like she was expecting something to happen. Nothing did, I'm glad to report.

B'Elanna and I couldn't figure out what was up with her. I wondered if Kes is sorry she threw away her relationship with Neelix. B'Elanna pointed out that every time Kes looked over her shoulder, poor Neelix was gazing over at her. Talk about having your heart on your sleeve! I'm pretty sure Neelix would be happy to take her back, if Kes would just be willing to let it happen. Unfortunately for him, I don't think she is.

We don't know when Kes left. Neither of us noticed her walking out of the resort. One minute she was there, and the next, she wasn't. I asked Neelix if he'd seen her go, and he hadn't, either. He looked puzzled, because he admitted he was just about staring at her. And then she suddenly wasn't there.

After dinner, I walked B'Elanna back to her quarters. We ran into Kes again. This time she greeted us like she always did. It was as if she hadn't been with us earlier at the resort. In fact, she said something about how the Doctor had really kept her going today and she'd just finished up her shift in Sickbay.

I am at a loss to explain what happened. Was there some sort of temporal displacement incident? Was that an imposter Kes in the resort? A holodeck recreation? There was no record of anything unusual when I checked the computer just now, before starting my log entry. We only have one Ocampa on board, and no unexplained entities seem to have appeared all day. I have no idea what went on there. It's a real mystery.

Maybe it was just Kes pulling our legs a little. I think she knows I'm finally making some progress with My Fair Chief Engineer.

B'Elanna and I are still just friends, but there's a definite warming trend. I have to keep being patient and take my own advice. I have to remember to let it happen only in its own time. You can't hurry love.

Sorry. Sometimes I just can't resist those ancient 20th century song references.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50956.2 _

You really have to hand it to Seska. She's persistent. Nothing stops her from trying to take her revenge on us. Even death can't stop her. The mistress of evil managed to return once again and almost destroyed _Voyager_. Hell, I thought Tuvok and I were both goners when she raised her rifle to kill us in the "Insurrection Alpha" holodeck program. With the safeties off, it might as well have been a real gun, fired by a still-alive and kicking Seska.

The "recreational program" by "Anonymous" that B'Elanna found was really exciting. As B'Elanna said, it was "all about us." A Maquis takeover of _Voyager_, with Chakotay, Seska, and our real crew appearing in holocharacter form. It really was fun to play the young and inexperienced ensign being recruited by the Maquis plotters. I played it both ways, as someone who tried to sabotage the takeover and then as someone who really went along with it.

Talk about freaky! When "Lieutenant Tom Paris" was staring into my eyes with the business end of a phaser pointed right at my head, and with me pointing mine down the nose of "Lieutenant Paris," one way or the other, Paris was going to die!

And then the program cut off. No more story. I was so frustrated. B'Elanna and I - and everyone else who was playing - had no idea who the holonovelist was, or why he or she had never finished the program.

I don't think - make that I know - that no one could have imagined the author was our very mature Vulcan Security Chief Tuvok. He devised it as a training program for the young staff on Voyager right after we were thrust into the Delta Quadrant. He thought a Maquis mutiny was a real possibility at one time. Looking back on it now, the only real threats were Seska, who was never a real Maquis at all but a Cardassian plant, and Michael Jonas, who was a cowardly sneak in thrall to Seska (who would have eaten him for lunch if he had managed to live long enough to turn _Voyager_ over to her).

How did Seska find that abandoned program of Tuvok's? No idea. She did, though, and sabotaged it. If the entire holodeck had blown, the way she'd rigged it, the ship might very well have been wrecked beyond repair. Everyone would have died. Seska wouldn't have cared. She was a Cardassian. She hated Starfleet and the Maquis equally!

I like to tweak Mr. Super Serious Tuvok sometimes, like when we went back in time to Los Angeles and Rain Robinson called him "Freakasaurus," but I respect him, too. He saved my life when the Baneans were punishing me for a crime I didn't commit. I owe him my life for that incident alone. I owe him for helping save B'Elanna when she was infected by Vorik with the Vulcan love bug. And now I owe him again for figuring out a way to sabotage that holographic Action Kate Special so it blew up holographic Seska instead of taking me out.

I think we're going to make a great team writing new holonovels for the crew, like the captain has suggested. With his logic helping us with the plotting, and my ability to create colorful characters, we'll do great. I've been creating personas for Tom Paris for years, so I've had plenty of practice. I've revised a lot of our existing programs, and I have originated some, like the '57 Chevy on Mars, or the Sandrine's program - although in both of those cases, I was recreating real places, people I'd known, and so on, so they're not totally original. Oh, and I did do that adaptation to the Sainte Claire program, but that was only to change a face. Anyway, I've created programs, but nothing as elaborate as an actual holonovel. Yet. The Paris/Tuvok Holonovels - or maybe it should be the Tuvok/Paris Holonovels. Yeah, we've gotta go with seniority, I think, and give the old guy top billing. I love the sound of that, either way.

Since B'Elanna is so eager to have us inject a little "romance" in our stories, I think I'll ask her if she wants to work with us on that aspect. Get a woman's perspective. Yeah. Maybe even act out a scene or two while we're writing? Something romantic. Passionate. Sweaty. Yeah, that can work. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow.

And Seska, the mistress of evil. I'll bet we can come up with a great scenario for a character like that. Maybe we can even have two mistresses of evil. Twin mistresses of evil! Yeah, that's it! Let me write that down.

_(scratching sound for several seconds)_

I think this is going to be great fun. Even if Tuvok will never admit to it being fun.

I just hope that Seska didn't leave any more surprises for us on the holodeck, or anyplace else. Like the Caretaker did, when he dragged Dreadnought into the Delta Quadrant after bringing us here. Having dead entities constantly reappearing and causing trouble for us is starting to get pretty old.

_End Personal Log_

* * *

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50984.7 _

Well, it's finally happened. We knew it would eventually. We're entering Borg space.

At the senior staff meeting today, the captain and Chakotay showed us a diagram of the "Northwest Passage," the Borg-free zone running roughly in the direction we need to go to get to the Alpha Quadrant. The probe B'Elanna sent out about two months ago found it and sent us information about it-until the probe encountered a Borg cube and pfft! There goes the probe. Not to mention letting the Borg know we're here.

It's a scary prospect. We're all alone out here, with no back up, when an entire armada of ships at Wolf 359 were destroyed by the Borg. We just have to trust that Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay will pull out another rabbit from the hat and get us through.

_End Personal Log_


End file.
